That Time When You Wanted to Punch Your Husband…

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Don’t turn up your nose or make the surprised face. We’ve all been here at some point. You love him to death, but if you have to wipe pee off of the toilet One more time or catch him scraping the sharpest fork he can find into your expensive ass, PTFE Teflon non-stick cookware, you’re going to be on the next ‘Special Edition’ episode of Snapped

Ladies, men Do Not get it! Their brains aren’t wired to, and their attention spans are still in the toddler stages. While most of our frustrations are very well justified, until you began  to realize where all of this is coming from, stop taking it personal, and learn to open your OCD up for compromise, you will miserably fail in marriage.

With that being said, I still need to vent a little with my fellow espoused butterflies. You can either send this to your hubby Right when you know he arrives to work and is getting ready to start his day (evil voice laugh), or you can grab a glass and wine and enjoy during your own solo time. Whichever you do, just remember that we’re poking fun at the obvious and if you feel like you need to divorce your husband after reading a blog, She Speaks ain’t got Nothin’ to do with that!!

You Wanted to Punch Him When…

1. He picked you up from somewhere and you noticed that the gas hand was in the negative

WHY WHY WHY do you all do this?? Seriously! You passed twelve gas stations with your Low Fuel light on, and then merged your ass onto the highway. WTH?!?! Automobiles do not run on charm, air particles, gym sweat, or your iPhone charger! That stinky liquid stuff called gasoline is actually needed. Like, all the time. It also isn’t all that smart to keep driving your car down to ‘E’. Your fuel pump is there to help you. Not to suck in air which could prematurely ruin it. I’m no mechanic, but I think this repair will cost much more than the $2.39/gallon gas fill up. Contrary to popular belief, us women don’t think it’s cute to get stranded because we ran out of gas! We think it’s irresponsible and a Huge turn-off.

2. You sent him to the grocery store with not only a detailed grocery list, identifying which aisle each item will be in, and which clerk to seek out if he had an issue finding something. You also texted him pictures of the items requested so there would be no discrepancies…He came back home with half the ish on your list, claiming that most of it he did not see, they did not have, and 2/3 of what he brought back was wrong

Men just don’t care about the grocery store as much as we do. Women will leave the house at 8am on a Sunday with three lists, ten coupons, five Rewards cards, and a Pinterest recipe bookmarked on our phone! It’s not a Game! We have a purpose here and it’s critical that it be accomplished correctly. We don’t even go to just One grocery store! We know the realness and essential requirement in traveling to at least three stores for different items (organic foods, meats, fruits & veggies, sale, wine, seafood, etc.). This is something we will never be able to pass along or teach our men. The passion just isn’t there.

3. You forwarded him Every email, sent him notifications from the sites, personally synched your ‘Finances’ calendar to his, and sent smoke signals at 5am the morning a bill was due…He asks you later on that night at 9pm what day are y’all supposed to pay the electricity bill on

Grrrrrrrrr!!!! Arrrrrrrgh!!!!! I will never understand some men’s aloofness with personal finances. I think husbands tend to be worse because they know that they have mini-accountants as wives who will take care of everything. Not true. We forget sometimes too which is why two minds are better than one. The difference is that us forgetting is because there’s one billion other household affairs that we’re solving in our minds at the same time. You forgot because, well, ok , you never cared to know in the first place. *le sigh*

4. The one rare time you go out for an evening, you come home to children that had Cheez-Its and graham crackers for dinner and the baby is naked in a droopy diaper with everything he’s eaten crusted around his mouth…Hubby gives you the “What??” face

Again, men are not like us. We want order. We’re precise and we plan. We want our kids to eat healthy, nutritious, well-balanced meals and not smell like Garbage Pail Kids. Men just want them to be alive. This is fine. I’ve learned to just keep sending annoying ‘reminder’ texts throughout my time away, asking if certain things have happened yet. 🙂

So now is the part where you go hug your Hubby and tell him that you love him despite the truth in this list! Men will be Men and Women will be Women. At the end of the day, always remember that none of this trivial stuff even really matters, and that there’s always room for growth on both sides of a marriage….For now fellas, just stop doing all the things that make us want to Punch You! 😉

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What You Said on Facebook, and What it Actually Meant in Real Life Pt. II

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I originally intended to get this out sooner, but anticipation builds desire and absence makes the heart grow fonder. So you all should be good and ready! I even poke fun at myself in one of these! Wonder if you can guess which one?? 😉

Before you dive head first into Part II, you must revisit and get reacquainted with the first post, What You Said On Facebook, and What it Actually Meant in Real Life Pt. I 

So, let’s keep the party going!

Facebook Post: “I just wanted to let y’all know that at 11:59pm I am Unfollowing ALL of my friends, and then getting off of Facebook until tomorrow at 3pm, because I just can’t deal with it all anymore! Too many Negative Nancys and NaySayers on my timeline! No time for Drama! I’m starting my life over at Midnight! #Boom #GoodBye #Block #Unfollow #NoNewFriends #GoinToIyanlasHouse #FixinMyLife #ImBetterThanThat”

Real Life Translation: Facebook is actually all that I have going on in my life and I NEED y’all to make me feel important by posting this ridiculous announcement. I actually want to Stay on Facebook 24/7 for the rest of my entire life, but then I’ll seem too thirsty. Plus, making a PSA about leaving will make people beg me to stay…

My Personal Commentary: If you’re going to Unfollow, Block, Unfriend, Nail to the Cross, and Excommunicate anybody on FB…just do it! We don’t need the extra dramatic disclosure to make yourself seem more paramount than you actually are.

Facebook Post:  “My mother’s baby sister’s daughter-in-law, twice removed, from a previous marriage passed on yesterday. She isn’t on Facebook, but I want her to know that she will be missed. Please send a Hallelujah through Jesus directly to my family in their time of sorrow”

Real Life Translation: I’ve been low on likes this week, and even though I know Damn well that NOBODY on my Facebook page knows or even really cares about this person’s death, my sharing it with total strangers on social media with somehow help them to Rest in Peace, and make me feel better about my stance with humanity on Facebook

My Personal Commentary: Stop This Today people! While I know that often times people need support and words of encouragement to help grieve the loss of a loved one, I Don’t however believe that making a PR broadcast about something so heavily sensitive and somber about someone that none of your FB friends even know is necessary. We have to start discerning what is FB-worthy, and what needs to be left at the alter.

Facebook Post: “OMG! I absolutely LOVE my natural hair! My twa is really coming along! All-Natural everything! Natural hair is all of the things that a perm Never was or will be! If you still wear a perm I will throw rocks at you dipped in coconut oil and shea butter! #Naturalista #NaturalIsLife #FroLife #TeamNoPerm #HappilyNappy #NewJourney #EmbracingMyBeauty”

Real Life Translation: I am twelve minutes and ten seconds from putting on a hoody and some sunglasses, and taking my Naturally Happy ass to the store to buy a relaxer! I’m in the in-between stage where I look like Celie, but wish I looked like the perfect natural broads on YouTube! I will continue writing posts like this, however, to get praises from the other natural gals, and to convince myself and others that I’m ok with my newly embarked upon  natural pilgrimage right now.

My Personal Commentary: Take some Hairfinity vitamins, oil your scalp, drink more water, and shut Up! We get it! You’ve “gone natural” and now feel like you’ve somehow catapulted yourself into a more superior category of life.We also know that you aren’t 100% confident in your new look and that you want your FB friends to give you the stamp of approval that will make you feel more comfortably entwined in your naps. Nope! You have to know that the type of acceptance you’re seeking comes from within sweetheart!

Facebook Post: “Team Single! I don’t Need no man! These ninjas ain’t ish no way! I’m too good to settle! #TeamIndependent #TeamMe #WorkinOnSelf #WaitingOnMyBoaz”

Real Life Translation: I can’t get/keep a man to save my damn life! The closest I can get is becoming a side-chick or mistress, so I’ve just convinced myself that I’m too good for anyone instead of looking within and trying to find out what the Real problem may be. I don’t know how to just be cool and wait it out. Besides, I’d be devastated if Facebook knew that I was actually lonely and frustrated.

My Personal Commentary: Do You Boo, but just be honest about it! At the end of the day you must also always remember that nine times out of ten FB sees right through you! If you don’t have a man, who cares! It’s better to just be yourself or be quiet!

Facebook Post: “The approbation of the propaganda, that lies within the afrocentrism of the gentrification, intertwined throughout the economical mass incarceration of the negroid enlightenment, is that the Black Lives Matter Movement is coonery”

Real Life Translation: I Just discovered books and that there was more to life than what I half-paid attention to in college. So now, I’m regurgitating everything that comes across my eyeballs, in deep need of some serious intellectual guidance. I post these types of things to sound Really smart and culturally conscious. In reality, I’m kind of an idiot.

My Personal Commentary: While I applaud everyone’s journey towards a higher acquisition of knowledge, there are those that we want to punch in the face for being so annoyingly overly cultivated that they begin to just sound foolish. We’re all happy that you finally decided to be smart. Just know what you’re talking about before you start pressing ‘post’ on FB.

When all is said and done, I believe the bulk of these situations lie within the need to feel accepted and validated on some level. Facebook has become the biggest platform for self-reflection, gross narcissism, and lack of esteem… We’re doing things to be liked, thus our continued propensity to #DoItForTheLikes

Photo Cred: Kaboompics 

What You Said on Facebook, and What it Actually Meant in Real Life Pt. I

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I was talking to a friend over the weekend and as we randomly chit-chatted, she brought up one of her top peeves concerning people and what they post on social media. It seems as though we are in an era that is totally, and sometimes disturbingly, obsessed with how our lives are portrayed in Internet Land. Heck, I have even fallen victim to this at times and had to disengage and reexamine my darn purpose. So I get. I really do…Well kinda. The thing is, I’m usually able to realize when I’m being extra and going overboard. Unfortunately, most aren’t.

So, I came up with a two-part humorous list of all of the wondrously painful things that we all keep seeing on Facebook, and what they probably mean in real life.

*Please note that my ridiculous susceptibility towards over exaggeration & mirthful sarcasm will be oozing from these examples. Don’t get your feelings hurt trying to figure out if I’m talking about you*

Facebook Post: “I gave a homeless person $4,000, built a new Ark for Noah and them, and saved five kittens from death on the way to work.”

Real Life Translation: “I gave a bucket-boy my $3 left over from my egg McMuffin meal this morning; but I need to trump this story up to make it sound exceptionally monumental so I can get a lot of likes, and people will think I’m Such a great person”

Facebook Post: *Insert picture of impoverished chicken breast next to some slimy-looking, over cooked green stuff and a piece of Texas Toast*…”I throw Down in the kitchen too! Bae knows what it do! #Chef #EatinGood #WayToHisStomach”

Real Life Translation: “I keep cooking this same dry ass chicken, and it’s even starting to look/taste gross to me and Bae; but Facebook will make me feel better if I post it up and filter it to make it look like a sautéed jerk entree.”

Facebook Post: “I woke up this morning to fresh rose petals laid gently beside my bed, and a wonderful hand-written note on vintage stationary saying ‘I Love You and I’ll see you later! Your breakfast is in the kitchen being prepared by Martha Stewart’…He’s a Winner! Always & Forever! Will & Jada Love!”

Real Life Translation: “I haven’t seen this negro since last Thursday when he brought me an old bagel and some cold coffee before he told me he needed some space; but I’ve exaggerated and lied about our whole situation on FB all this time, so I could never tell the truth Now!”

Facebook Post: *Insert eighth sweaty workout picture posted this week by the same person*…”In the gym. Gym Time. Get it right, Keep it Tight! Summer bodies are made in the Winter. Grinding. FitBit on FIRE! Gettin my Sexy Back!”

Real Life Translation: “I’m really Extremely insecure about my body, my looks, and my whole damn life. I come to the gym because everybody else does it, and it seems like the cool thing to do. I post up these pics so often because I need my FB friends to reassure me that I’m doing a good job and look good. However, I know the gratification that I seek out will never truly be enough…”

Facebook Post: “Think positive. Be positive. Do positive. Read your bible. Hum a Hymn, and go see Jesus every morning like I do! Keep that negativity Outta my timeline!”

Real Life Translation: “I actually Just got off of the phone with my friend, who isn’t really a friend, but we just use each other for gossip. We talked about so many people so bad that they would cry if they had heard our conversation, lol. I have to post up stuff like this though to front, so people won’t ever think that I’m in fact the messy one”

 

Whew!! Now go gather yourself and check your profile for any of these violations! Stay Tuned for Part II!!

 

Photo Cred: Kaboompics 

 

 

 

10 Things You Should Never Say to a Stay-at-Home Mom

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So I promised my audience that I would get back to the initial goal of this blog, which was to highlight Mom life and try to keep our sanities intact  through humorous dialogue! However, in true fashion of a Mother’s diminishing attention span and tendency to become overwhelmingly sidetracked, I fell off course a bit and needed to do some housekeeping in a few other areas of life.

Welp, Momma’s back and I’m starting the New Year off just like I ended the last: Coming for your jugular!

While I’ve only been a part of the SAHM’s club for a little over 6 months now, I’ve still seen and heard some opinions and commentary that truly leave me miffed.

One of the main annoyingly vexing speculations that I’ve run across is the idea that being a SAHM seems to equate to some as the ‘easy life’ or that we’re a sorority of self-entitled spoiled brats, who sip green tea with our pedicured toes propped up, and binge-watch OITNB episodes all day, while scoffing at our fellow 9-5ers. Not So! What I have actually learned in my own experience is that being a SAHM is actually more demanding, challenging, and sometimes surprisingly more stressful than when I actually did go to work everyday. So I sat and pondered on a couple of the most aggravating things that us SAHMs don’t want to hear come out of your face Ever Again…

  1. “You Look Tired” – My GOD this is the quickest way to get on my ish list! Nope, I’m not tired. I just started doing my make-up to reflect a zombie. It’s the new fashion statement. Dork! Of course I’m tired!! My 4 year old has the energy level of a hipster on speed, and my 1 year old refuses to take naps. I used all of my energy when I went to go pee and I’m going to use the rest of it to punch you in the face…Even outside of the context of being a Mom, this is just the most blatantly rude thing you could ever say to someone. I’m going to start responding back with nasty narration such as “Yes! I’m as tired as your current relationship…”
  2. “What Do You Do All Day?” – Ummmm, sustain human life and breathe. What do you do all day?? Just because I’m not going to a job doesn’t mean that my day serves no purpose.
  3. “OMG! I slept ALL Day and I’m SO well-rested!” – Insert the emoji guy that’s blowing steam out of his nose and then re-read number 1. If you just noticed that I was tired, and I just told you that I take naps on the toilet to get rest, then how in the Entire universe do you think that I want to hear about how wonderfully soothing it was for you to count sheep…Again, punch your Face!
  4. “You Didn’t Cook Dinner??” – Nope! Matter fact, I myself have only had time to eat a handful of cheerios that were left on the table from my kid’s breakfast. I’m not apologizing for it either. You want dinner cooked? Well, I want a wine cellar and a 24/7 live jazz band in the basement…We all have dreams here don’t we??? You better go find some milk to go with those cheerios!
  5. “Why Do You Get Up So Early” – Again, being a SAHM doesn’t equal vacation time. I have a pre-schooler that has to be in his classroom by 8:15am, and he needs at least an hour after his morning pep talk to get his life together. Then there’s the 1 year old…yeah…moving on to number 6.
  6. “Why Don’t You Ever Pick Up the Phone?” – Because your rude butt calls me Everyday during nap time!!! Do you understand that during nap time I turn into a mime in my own home?!? There is no talking, there is no walking, there is no moving around, there is no sound! Hell! If I could figure out how to stop breathing and still be alive I would! I need this kid to sleep for HOURS! You’re calling me to talk about what somebody shared on Facebook is of No importance to me right now. Even when it isn’t nap time, Mommy’s cell phone is probably being used as a launching missile in a vicious war between Captain America and Iron Man.
  7. “You Never Invite Me Over During the Day” – To do what exactly?? Kids sniff out newbies and your presence will only make them feel as if the normal routine can be shifted or ignored all together. Yes, I’m at home all day, but there’s a strict structure that has to be followed to keep the entire household on track. You can come over and play with me later after their Dad gets home.
  8. “You Haven’t Had Your Hair/Nails Done in Forever!” – Because that’s Totally my top priority now that I keep my bonnet on all day to prevent Devin from driving his trains through my fro, as well as he also seems to be fascinated with my no-chip and thinks it’s amusing to pick it off. My appearance looks just the way that I choose for it to, and when an occasion calls for otherwise, I know how to get that taken care of. My hair and nails are probably healthier than yours anyway because I’m not messing with them all the time…Lemme go sip this tea though.
  9. “How Are You Not Giving Your Husband Sex Every Night??” – Ok, first of all, I don’t give my husband sex. It’s something that we both want and enjoy on an equally loving level. Second of all, by the time I get a chance to shower at midnight once the baby goes to sleep, I’m half-dead once my head hits the pillow. Again, you think I do nothing all day but sit tight and simmer for my beau. Ha! You better research some real life!
  10. “I Wish I Could Be a Stay-at-Home Mom” (now insert a funky smirk and some rolled eyes) – Listen here, because this is the one that I detest the most. Don’t wish for what you know Not of! Furthermore, don’t throw hater shade my way because of the way that my life affords me to live. You wanna be a SAHM, then do it! You better know what you’re getting yourself into and be choosing that role for good reasons. The old saying is still very relevant here; “The grass is always greener on the other side.” Thing is, you gotta figure out how I keep mine watered first! 😉