So I promised my audience that I would get back to the initial goal of this blog, which was to highlight Mom life and try to keep our sanities intact through humorous dialogue! However, in true fashion of a Mother’s diminishing attention span and tendency to become overwhelmingly sidetracked, I fell off course a bit and needed to do some housekeeping in a few other areas of life.
Welp, Momma’s back and I’m starting the New Year off just like I ended the last: Coming for your jugular!
While I’ve only been a part of the SAHM’s club for a little over 6 months now, I’ve still seen and heard some opinions and commentary that truly leave me miffed.
One of the main annoyingly vexing speculations that I’ve run across is the idea that being a SAHM seems to equate to some as the ‘easy life’ or that we’re a sorority of self-entitled spoiled brats, who sip green tea with our pedicured toes propped up, and binge-watch OITNB episodes all day, while scoffing at our fellow 9-5ers. Not So! What I have actually learned in my own experience is that being a SAHM is actually more demanding, challenging, and sometimes surprisingly more stressful than when I actually did go to work everyday. So I sat and pondered on a couple of the most aggravating things that us SAHMs don’t want to hear come out of your face Ever Again…
- “You Look Tired” – My GOD this is the quickest way to get on my ish list! Nope, I’m not tired. I just started doing my make-up to reflect a zombie. It’s the new fashion statement. Dork! Of course I’m tired!! My 4 year old has the energy level of a hipster on speed, and my 1 year old refuses to take naps. I used all of my energy when I went to go pee and I’m going to use the rest of it to punch you in the face…Even outside of the context of being a Mom, this is just the most blatantly rude thing you could ever say to someone. I’m going to start responding back with nasty narration such as “Yes! I’m as tired as your current relationship…”
- “What Do You Do All Day?” – Ummmm, sustain human life and breathe. What do you do all day?? Just because I’m not going to a job doesn’t mean that my day serves no purpose.
- “OMG! I slept ALL Day and I’m SO well-rested!” – Insert the emoji guy that’s blowing steam out of his nose and then re-read number 1. If you just noticed that I was tired, and I just told you that I take naps on the toilet to get rest, then how in the Entire universe do you think that I want to hear about how wonderfully soothing it was for you to count sheep…Again, punch your Face!
- “You Didn’t Cook Dinner??” – Nope! Matter fact, I myself have only had time to eat a handful of cheerios that were left on the table from my kid’s breakfast. I’m not apologizing for it either. You want dinner cooked? Well, I want a wine cellar and a 24/7 live jazz band in the basement…We all have dreams here don’t we??? You better go find some milk to go with those cheerios!
- “Why Do You Get Up So Early” – Again, being a SAHM doesn’t equal vacation time. I have a pre-schooler that has to be in his classroom by 8:15am, and he needs at least an hour after his morning pep talk to get his life together. Then there’s the 1 year old…yeah…moving on to number 6.
- “Why Don’t You Ever Pick Up the Phone?” – Because your rude butt calls me Everyday during nap time!!! Do you understand that during nap time I turn into a mime in my own home?!? There is no talking, there is no walking, there is no moving around, there is no sound! Hell! If I could figure out how to stop breathing and still be alive I would! I need this kid to sleep for HOURS! You’re calling me to talk about what somebody shared on Facebook is of No importance to me right now. Even when it isn’t nap time, Mommy’s cell phone is probably being used as a launching missile in a vicious war between Captain America and Iron Man.
- “You Never Invite Me Over During the Day” – To do what exactly?? Kids sniff out newbies and your presence will only make them feel as if the normal routine can be shifted or ignored all together. Yes, I’m at home all day, but there’s a strict structure that has to be followed to keep the entire household on track. You can come over and play with me later after their Dad gets home.
- “You Haven’t Had Your Hair/Nails Done in Forever!” – Because that’s Totally my top priority now that I keep my bonnet on all day to prevent Devin from driving his trains through my fro, as well as he also seems to be fascinated with my no-chip and thinks it’s amusing to pick it off. My appearance looks just the way that I choose for it to, and when an occasion calls for otherwise, I know how to get that taken care of. My hair and nails are probably healthier than yours anyway because I’m not messing with them all the time…Lemme go sip this tea though.
- “How Are You Not Giving Your Husband Sex Every Night??” – Ok, first of all, I don’t give my husband sex. It’s something that we both want and enjoy on an equally loving level. Second of all, by the time I get a chance to shower at midnight once the baby goes to sleep, I’m half-dead once my head hits the pillow. Again, you think I do nothing all day but sit tight and simmer for my beau. Ha! You better research some real life!
- “I Wish I Could Be a Stay-at-Home Mom” (now insert a funky smirk and some rolled eyes) – Listen here, because this is the one that I detest the most. Don’t wish for what you know Not of! Furthermore, don’t throw hater shade my way because of the way that my life affords me to live. You wanna be a SAHM, then do it! You better know what you’re getting yourself into and be choosing that role for good reasons. The old saying is still very relevant here; “The grass is always greener on the other side.” Thing is, you gotta figure out how I keep mine watered first! 😉