I was talking to a friend over the weekend and as we randomly chit-chatted, she brought up one of her top peeves concerning people and what they post on social media. It seems as though we are in an era that is totally, and sometimes disturbingly, obsessed with how our lives are portrayed in Internet Land. Heck, I have even fallen victim to this at times and had to disengage and reexamine my darn purpose. So I get. I really do…Well kinda. The thing is, I’m usually able to realize when I’m being extra and going overboard. Unfortunately, most aren’t.
So, I came up with a two-part humorous list of all of the wondrously painful things that we all keep seeing on Facebook, and what they probably mean in real life.
*Please note that my ridiculous susceptibility towards over exaggeration & mirthful sarcasm will be oozing from these examples. Don’t get your feelings hurt trying to figure out if I’m talking about you*
Facebook Post: “I gave a homeless person $4,000, built a new Ark for Noah and them, and saved five kittens from death on the way to work.”
Real Life Translation: “I gave a bucket-boy my $3 left over from my egg McMuffin meal this morning; but I need to trump this story up to make it sound exceptionally monumental so I can get a lot of likes, and people will think I’m Such a great person”
Facebook Post: *Insert picture of impoverished chicken breast next to some slimy-looking, over cooked green stuff and a piece of Texas Toast*…”I throw Down in the kitchen too! Bae knows what it do! #Chef #EatinGood #WayToHisStomach”
Real Life Translation: “I keep cooking this same dry ass chicken, and it’s even starting to look/taste gross to me and Bae; but Facebook will make me feel better if I post it up and filter it to make it look like a sautéed jerk entree.”
Facebook Post: “I woke up this morning to fresh rose petals laid gently beside my bed, and a wonderful hand-written note on vintage stationary saying ‘I Love You and I’ll see you later! Your breakfast is in the kitchen being prepared by Martha Stewart’…He’s a Winner! Always & Forever! Will & Jada Love!”
Real Life Translation: “I haven’t seen this negro since last Thursday when he brought me an old bagel and some cold coffee before he told me he needed some space; but I’ve exaggerated and lied about our whole situation on FB all this time, so I could never tell the truth Now!”
Facebook Post: *Insert eighth sweaty workout picture posted this week by the same person*…”In the gym. Gym Time. Get it right, Keep it Tight! Summer bodies are made in the Winter. Grinding. FitBit on FIRE! Gettin my Sexy Back!”
Real Life Translation: “I’m really Extremely insecure about my body, my looks, and my whole damn life. I come to the gym because everybody else does it, and it seems like the cool thing to do. I post up these pics so often because I need my FB friends to reassure me that I’m doing a good job and look good. However, I know the gratification that I seek out will never truly be enough…”
Facebook Post: “Think positive. Be positive. Do positive. Read your bible. Hum a Hymn, and go see Jesus every morning like I do! Keep that negativity Outta my timeline!”
Real Life Translation: “I actually Just got off of the phone with my friend, who isn’t really a friend, but we just use each other for gossip. We talked about so many people so bad that they would cry if they had heard our conversation, lol. I have to post up stuff like this though to front, so people won’t ever think that I’m in fact the messy one”
Whew!! Now go gather yourself and check your profile for any of these violations! Stay Tuned for Part II!!
Photo Cred: Kaboompics