Dear Men…7 Things We Really Want On Valentine’s Day Instead of a Gift

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It’s February 1st. This morning at 5am every man in a committed serious relationship woke up in a cold sweat with a migraine. Why? Because in exactly two weeks, they’re expected to reveal the most immensely romantic representation of undying Love, to the Queens in their lives. Some men effortlessly achieve this each year with little to no worries. However, most men are sitting at their desks right now, have already given up, and are desperately trying to remember what size bra and panties she wears, so his Vicky’s Secret go-to sales girl can hook him up.

Well, I’m here to help you this year fellas. Contrary to popular belief, while presents and extravagant tokens of affection are all well and good for your spoiled bougie boo, there’s also some other stuff she needs from you that money just can’t buy. When you get all of these items in line, sometimes we could actually care less about a gift…

  1. Your Time – Sure, you called Paris and had them overnight the new exclusive pair of nude Louboutins directly to her job, complete with five long stemmed red roses to signify each year that you’ve spent Valentine’s Day together; buuuut she hasn’t actually seen you all day, or even this week for that matter! Yes, while we most certainly understand that hard work obviously has to be implemented in order for you to provide us nice things, we also need you to understand that your presence means the World to us. All of the trinkets in the Universe can’t comfort a lonely woman. You better make time for what’s Really important!!
  2. Your Undivided Attention – Ok, you’re spending the time with her, but you’re attention is completely somewhere else. You’ve either got a phone glued to your face, ear buds in your ears, or you’re deeply enthralled in either some sort of television program or a ridiculously distracting guy text messaging convo on your cell. This has to stop fellas. If I have to repeat myself more than two times because your concentration is tied up elsewhere, chances are I don’t even want to talk to you anymore and now I’m completely thrown into an annoyed funk. Again, find better times to engage in certain things where your mate won’t feel neglected. OR, just always remember that you don’t have to show her any attention because there are thousands of hungry man-vultures right outside of your front door that will shower her with all the attention she needs…
  3. Your Effort – Women are considerably more simple than you think. We’re more wrapped up in thought, emotion, and significance. We can also tell when zero effort was considered, and absolutely despise when you don’t believe that effort is needed at all. So you’re tight on cash this month? No worries. Make her a nice thoughtful card, write her letter, or set the bedroom mood with items from your home and pamper her that evening. Cook a meal if she’s always the one who prepares them. Take the initiative to find a sitter for the kids so you two can just relax alone. Make her a cute lunch. Make a loving funny video and send it to her during her most stressful time of the day, because you know this will make her smile. THINK! There’s nothing worse than a man sitting there looking stupid like “uggghhh, I dunno”
  4. Your Honesty – The key to any fulfilling relationship is the concept of honesty. Be honest with your mate about where you two are, where you’re going, and what that means to you. All the heart-shaped chocolate candies in the world means nothing to a situation that’s about to go sour next week! Are there concerns you have with the relationship? With her? With yourself? Be forthright in your delivery and let your mate know! You may not want to hurt her feelings or damage her ego, but ask yourself if holding this in will ruin you all in the end.
  5. The Essence of Your Manhood – I think we all know what this means, hehehe. It’s free,  it’s all encompassing, it’s pleasurable to you both, and it’s scientifically proven as a superb stress-reliever! If your relationship is in this stage, please do responsibly take advantage of this. Plan for something out of the box and blow her mind. Women love a man to take control and work what’s his! Visit a speciality store, grab some scented centering oils, candles, and take care of your woman! Again…never mind, I don’t need to tell you again about those vultures.
  6. For You to Tell Her That She’s Beautiful – You should probably be doing this Everyday anyway, and if you aren’t, shame on you! It isn’t an ego thing for women so much, but instead a declaration of admiration and charming gesture. It takes absolutely Nothing from your day to sincerely compliment your woman!! She craves it, she waits for it, and she giggles and smiles when she gets it from you. Don’t Ever assume “she’s aight! She knows she’s good”…Most epic fail Ever! Yeah, she IS aight, but if she has to wonder whether or not her man thinks she is may be a Serious blow to your relationship. Your pride and ego have no room here. Tell that woman every minute of every day just how alluring she is!
  7. YOU – At the end of the day, when all is said and done, fellas, we just want You! No bells & whistles or unnecessarily trumped up nonsense. She needs you to be a Man. Her Man. The Man. She wants to know that you will protect her from whatever harm comes her way, and trust that she can depend on you to take the reins and properly lead when she hands them to you. All of the money in the world can’t replace any of these qualities.

Know who you are, what you have, and how to keep it! More importantly, know that you don’t need to wait until Valentine’s Day to provide these seven jewels. Be this man all of the time and then you don’t even have to worry about February 14th…

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That Time When You Wanted to Punch Your Husband…

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Don’t turn up your nose or make the surprised face. We’ve all been here at some point. You love him to death, but if you have to wipe pee off of the toilet One more time or catch him scraping the sharpest fork he can find into your expensive ass, PTFE Teflon non-stick cookware, you’re going to be on the next ‘Special Edition’ episode of Snapped

Ladies, men Do Not get it! Their brains aren’t wired to, and their attention spans are still in the toddler stages. While most of our frustrations are very well justified, until you began  to realize where all of this is coming from, stop taking it personal, and learn to open your OCD up for compromise, you will miserably fail in marriage.

With that being said, I still need to vent a little with my fellow espoused butterflies. You can either send this to your hubby Right when you know he arrives to work and is getting ready to start his day (evil voice laugh), or you can grab a glass and wine and enjoy during your own solo time. Whichever you do, just remember that we’re poking fun at the obvious and if you feel like you need to divorce your husband after reading a blog, She Speaks ain’t got Nothin’ to do with that!!

You Wanted to Punch Him When…

1. He picked you up from somewhere and you noticed that the gas hand was in the negative

WHY WHY WHY do you all do this?? Seriously! You passed twelve gas stations with your Low Fuel light on, and then merged your ass onto the highway. WTH?!?! Automobiles do not run on charm, air particles, gym sweat, or your iPhone charger! That stinky liquid stuff called gasoline is actually needed. Like, all the time. It also isn’t all that smart to keep driving your car down to ‘E’. Your fuel pump is there to help you. Not to suck in air which could prematurely ruin it. I’m no mechanic, but I think this repair will cost much more than the $2.39/gallon gas fill up. Contrary to popular belief, us women don’t think it’s cute to get stranded because we ran out of gas! We think it’s irresponsible and a Huge turn-off.

2. You sent him to the grocery store with not only a detailed grocery list, identifying which aisle each item will be in, and which clerk to seek out if he had an issue finding something. You also texted him pictures of the items requested so there would be no discrepancies…He came back home with half the ish on your list, claiming that most of it he did not see, they did not have, and 2/3 of what he brought back was wrong

Men just don’t care about the grocery store as much as we do. Women will leave the house at 8am on a Sunday with three lists, ten coupons, five Rewards cards, and a Pinterest recipe bookmarked on our phone! It’s not a Game! We have a purpose here and it’s critical that it be accomplished correctly. We don’t even go to just One grocery store! We know the realness and essential requirement in traveling to at least three stores for different items (organic foods, meats, fruits & veggies, sale, wine, seafood, etc.). This is something we will never be able to pass along or teach our men. The passion just isn’t there.

3. You forwarded him Every email, sent him notifications from the sites, personally synched your ‘Finances’ calendar to his, and sent smoke signals at 5am the morning a bill was due…He asks you later on that night at 9pm what day are y’all supposed to pay the electricity bill on

Grrrrrrrrr!!!! Arrrrrrrgh!!!!! I will never understand some men’s aloofness with personal finances. I think husbands tend to be worse because they know that they have mini-accountants as wives who will take care of everything. Not true. We forget sometimes too which is why two minds are better than one. The difference is that us forgetting is because there’s one billion other household affairs that we’re solving in our minds at the same time. You forgot because, well, ok , you never cared to know in the first place. *le sigh*

4. The one rare time you go out for an evening, you come home to children that had Cheez-Its and graham crackers for dinner and the baby is naked in a droopy diaper with everything he’s eaten crusted around his mouth…Hubby gives you the “What??” face

Again, men are not like us. We want order. We’re precise and we plan. We want our kids to eat healthy, nutritious, well-balanced meals and not smell like Garbage Pail Kids. Men just want them to be alive. This is fine. I’ve learned to just keep sending annoying ‘reminder’ texts throughout my time away, asking if certain things have happened yet. 🙂

So now is the part where you go hug your Hubby and tell him that you love him despite the truth in this list! Men will be Men and Women will be Women. At the end of the day, always remember that none of this trivial stuff even really matters, and that there’s always room for growth on both sides of a marriage….For now fellas, just stop doing all the things that make us want to Punch You! 😉

But First…You Gotta Let Your Ex Go

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You probably thought this was an article about Chris Brown & Karrueche eh? NOT!…but you still need to hear this though!

Happily almost ever after just shattered your entire little world! He/She was the sugar in your Kool-Aid and the perfect verse over a dope beat. This relationship changed your angry Facebook rants to giddy memes with little hearts doodled in the corner. You’ve since been able to now watch Love Jones and entirely get the concept of “Nina & Darius” completely free of judgment. Regular ‘rollover’ puts an extra sprint in your step, and Date Nights have replaced weekend turn-up adventures at the club. You got this close to going to Jared, and she has practiced her predictably emotional “YES!” reply in front of her mirror a gazillion times…and then y’all broke up.

So now what? You probably are both going to spend like 6 months trying to find yourselves, your lives, and your dignity. You deactivate that above-mentioned Facebook page because it’s a lot easier than going through all 50 million albums and statuses you made, trying to erase anything that even slightly exhibits remembrance or representation of the Ex. We won’t even talk about all of the shared posts and tagged pics that you might have to endure because you two know ALL of the same damn people! Every song reminds you of them and you now drive 10 miles out of your way every day to avoid “Our Starbucks” and go to one where no one knows you. Last but not least, you pretty much just purchase all new furniture, bedding, and underwear because…you just can’t!

Well now your six month Pity Party is coming to an end, and I’m being very generous with this timeframe. Pay the bill, clean up the venue, wish your guests well, and walk AWAY from this party! What exactly do I mean by this metaphor?? I’m glad you asked…

  • Stop Being a Hater – No, but seriously. It just doesn’t look good. Let the new Boo be! Even all of those friends and associates who may cheer you on and laugh at  your tasteless jokes are shaking their heads behind your back. There is nothing worse than letting everyone know just how bitter you are.
    • New Boo is built like a brick-house, with thick flawless natural hair from the Gods, and a wardrobe game to rival New York Fashion Week. You’re still trying to figure out how to Zumba off your muffin top, you’ve lost all of your edges from wearing tight bad weaves, and your regular outfit consists of leggings and your high school alumni tee. So what do you do? Grab your BFF and attentively go through every shred of her Facebook page, making commentary on why “she really isn’t all that cute.” Get it together woman. Use whatever insecurities she brings out of you to make yourself better!
    • Man Crush Monday has a nice car. You have Geo Tracker. So you find ridiculous ways to try and downplay his impeccable apparatus of transportation by saying dumb ish like “Man, that car ain’t even in his name!” Stop It! That Tracker wouldn’t be in your name either if it wasn’t 50 years old, twice paid off, with a transferred title from your Momma!
  • Stop Texting Them – Texting these days makes it easy to be passive-aggressive and even easier to be a professional psycho stalker! He/She doesn’t care that you got a new job, lost your dog, grew a beard, dyed your hair purple, saw Jesus at the grocery store, or even that a family member may have passed (I know this one is harsh but some of you use this a LOT as leverage!). No “Good Mornings” and “TTYL” or “Good Nights” with the goofy-grinning emojis! Part of your healing process will come in eliminating this person from your communication mainframe. You’re only texting that Ex for a couple of reasons, and they all need to cease:
    • You want validation from them because you’re not getting it from anyone else right now, and you know it’s easy to get from them.
    • You want them to know that you’re doing well without them, and at the same time, make sure that their lives are miserable without you.
    • You want them back, know that isn’t an option, and you settle for whatever small piece of them that you can get.
    • You know they have another significant other and you’re trying to start ish. I’ve done this one before. It didn’t play out well. Don’t get your feelings hurt out here on dummy!
  • Forgive Them – One of my most favorite books of all time is by Iyanla Vanzant, Forgiveness: 21 Days to Forgive Everyone for Everything. If you struggle with the principles and effectiveness of forgiving others, go purchase this now, start reading, and free your conscience! There is nowhere positive that you can get in life with a distressed and heavy heart & mind towards another person. Please understand this! They cheated on you and destroyed your perception of trust. I get it. We all do. It’s devastating but guess what; you’re going to have to get all the way Over it! Learn the lesson, take the notes, write a song about it, buy some new lipstick, do ten push-ups, and keep it moving. Old baggage turns into new psychological suitcases, and now you’re no good to any damn body. Say it with me: This too shall pass!
  • Know Who You Probably Need to Remove From Your Life Now That You’re No Longer Together – Quit calling his Momma, going to get your nails done with his sister, hooping with her brother on Monday nights, commenting under all of their friend’s/family’s social media posts, and using their best friend as your new therapist. These are all side-eye shady moves and will hurt no one but yourself! If you didn’t have a significant tie to any of these people before you two became an item, nine times out of ten, you don’t need one now. It’s a conflict of interest, trust, and just an overall bad idea that isn’t worth the simmering fire.
  • GO and DATE – Yeah, yeah, yeah, your Ex was the absolute Best thing that ever happened to you, the Best looking person that you’ve ever laid eyes on, and you’ll never have a connection with anyone else like you had with them…That’s why y’all are still together right???  — They are an Ex for a reason, and you have to give yourself permission to push forward and explore others. Constant comparison of your Ex will keep you only focused on your Ex. While I do think people should allow themselves time alone to get it together, I also believe that entering back into the dating world is healthy and necessary for healing.

Moral of this story…Get over yourself, your situation, and more importantly, Get Over Your Ex!! 

 

Why I am Not Here For the “Stay-at-Home Girlfriend” Movement

 

 

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Lurking on social media I see all types of preposterous mentions of questionable opinions. Lately there has been one pretty spicy topic to come up that I just can’t keep my big mouth shut about.

So let me paint a quick picture…you and your bestie are lounging in the living room, sipping Pino and talking ish. All of a sudden, she makes a statement and ends it casually identifying herself as a “Stay-at-Home Girlfriend” – PAUSE. Now I have some pretty loose-tongued, low-tolerance, comfortably unapologetic honest friends with overly ‘colorful’ points of view! I can imagine the response to that statement being something in the area of “you’re a WHAT Bish???”, lmbo, I’m just saying…So this now brings me to my controversial question of the day: What in THEE whole hell is a Stay-at-Home Girlfriend???

Let me preface my rant by first saying that I am in No way against girlfriends or women that are not married. Nor do I have any beef with single Moms or honestly secure women who feel as though they just aren’t into marriage. What I do frown upon and act real uncouth about are the many lovely ladies out there lying to kick it and putting up a front about what they know they deserve and want from a man. Our society is all caught up in titles. I get it. If we didn’t have titles we wouldn’t know who actually held some kind of importance, versus who just thought their ass was important and should probably have a seat. You don’t call the Alderman the President of the United States. Feel me?? Anyhow, I believe it is this undying and almost mentally debilitating need to be “Somebody’s Something” in life. People take pride in their roles and hold them with great honor. That being said, all too often we like to be identified with, and put ourselves into, categories of those things we actually aren’t. Traditionally, a Stay-at-Home Wife is one that is married to her mate and usually stays home full-time, at either her own choice or the choice of her spouse…because she can. Let’s go a bit deeper shall we. Wikipedia states the following:

“A housewife is a woman whose main occupation is running or managing her family’s home—caring for and educating her children, cooking and storing food, buying goods the family needs in day-to-day life, cleaning and maintaining the home, making clothes for the family, etc.—and who is generally not employed outside the home.[1] Merriam Webster describes a housewife as a married woman who is in charge of her household. The related term homemaker has almost the same meaning but is not limited to women and does not connote marriage.”

So a Stay-at-Home Girlfriend is actually a homemaker that’s not necessarily a woman??? Sheesh, I’m going to leave that one for another post so let me stay focused!… I also looked up Stay-at-Home Girlfriend and you wanna know what I found besides this cute little newly coined acronym “SAHG”…Comical, cleverly asshole-written SATIRE! And that’s Exactly how I feel about it also! It’s a joke! A punchline! A cunningly cute contrast to a life that you probably want but have settled and convinced yourself that you’re ok without. Yes, I said it. I’ve heard this story WAY too many times of becoming the live-in girlfriend who is still dropping painstakingly awkward hints on the hopeless fact that we “aren’t gonna be Just your girlfriend for too much longer”. Again, if you don’t want to get married, click off of my post now and go sip some tea. However, if you DO, read on and absorb heavily!

If you are single-handedly tending to all of the “duties” mentioned above in the “Housewife” definition, and you are a Girlfriend, YOU my Dear need to re-evaluate your goals in life. Yes, I said it again! Ever heard of the phrase, why would you buy the cow if you’re already getting the milk??? (I think that’s what it says, but you get my point). A HUGE problem women have these days is the fear of standing firm, being aware of their worth, and being afraid to demand what they know they deserve. This has set the pathetic tone of our new age man to not give a damn or have any accountability in long-term relationships! It isn’t all that easy for many men to “be ready” for marriage but I will tell you this…He can be ready all he wants, but if he has someone who happily allows his ass to stay stagnant, he Will! Men need to be challenged! ALL OF THE TIME! Even after you marry them! When you no longer become something he has to work for and continue evolving because of, you become the Sunday paper that he keeps picking up and taking in the house as an habitual gesture; because it’s easier and less messy than leaving them all over the porch every week…Holler when you catch it…

ASK for your damn ring! DEMAND your security! SIT your ass in a house everyday that you also own, and SPEND money from accounts that you have the legal right to as well! Now I know some of that sounds a bit gold-diggerish, but I am being dead serious here! Have some Real life ties to this man! We have TOO many unhappy Black women continuously playing this role instead of getting their shit together! Do you know how many times I’ve gotten the searing glare while out with my children or alone and people (Caucasians) learn that I have a HUSBAND as opposed to a baby daddy or just a boyfriend???? The shit is almost unnerving, but it’s examples such as that which get me so irate at our progressive tendency to just take what we can ’cause at least we got that. FAIL! DO BETTER!

Now in terms of the actual “title”, I won’t be calling you no damn Stay-at-Home Girlfriend! Not solely because I don’t take you seriously, but because when people actually ask ME what I do for a living, I don’t answer them “Oh! I’m a Stay-at-Home Wife!” That’s foolish and nonsensical. I’m a married Mother of two who chooses to stay home and take care of my home and children Full-Time, while I run my own business, as opposed to punching a clock everyday. The value I have within my family cannot be measured by a title, but by what I provide to their lives and well-being. I could care less what you call me, but I won’t ever be downplayed and you will never identify me as a girlfriend. So I ask these girlfriends, why try to appropriate a term essentially originated for a wife’s stature if that truly isn’t what you’re trying to be???…Don’t Worry. I’ll Wait

 

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Why My Marriage Might Offend You

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Over the past couple of weeks I’ve noticed a trend among women while perusing several other blogs and random articles. There seems to be a quite ubiquitous undertone about the resentment that some single women have towards women who are married. Again, I said some. Do not bring your enraged commentary under my post acting an entire fool if this does not apply to or describe you! In reality, the fact of the matter is that there are a lot of dejected and miserable females of the human species that are roaming this good Earth; and a great deal of it stems from relationship status. Denying only makes the issue worse, and then the bitterness continues to fester. Well, this girl here isn’t going to let you throw your acrimonious little temper tantrums and start downplaying my peace of mind just to keep your scab from peeling! We have got to learn to stop apologizing for the depths of our euphoria and the plight towards positivity that we have demanded and drawn into our lives. Some may call me a narcissist after reading this, while others will shout in praise. However you take it, just remember that your and my life still exist outside of this blog! 🙂

Now in true fashion of my infamous lists, spicy speculations, and widely known word venom, I have personally put together some brutally honest logic as to why my, and other women’s, marriages just might leave you a bit vexed.

  1. We Actually Like Each Other –  As in, even on our bad days we don’t want to stab each other into little pieces. We actually know and appreciate who we’ve married and enjoy being around one another. This seems to get under people’s skin. Why? I don’t know, but that isn’t my problem to figure out either! I know you’re thinking that this is a bit obvious but it isn’t. There is a huge percentage of the population married to individuals whom they don’t actually even care for. I’ve seen it before. It goes along with the issue of marrying for the wrong reasons.
  2. We Have No Skeletons in the Closet – We both have pasts. We are both aware of those pasts. We could care less…Nothing is secretly going to be revealed that will make the other fret or cause disarray in our union. This annoys people…We are sorry for your disappointment.
  3. Our Marriage is No Different on Social Media Than it is in Real Life – This is a basic one but it needed to be said. We don’t pretend or portray to be anything that we are not. What you see is what you get and most people who end up meeting us are usually pleasantly surprised by our relationship. We don’t hide our love, but we also aren’t obnoxiously leaving kissing emojis all over each other’s pages every ten minutes. We follow one another on different sites and neither of us have any weird, possessive, jealousy, or infidelity issues involved in that. Again, this seems to tick people off. Social Media runs the world and the validity of your relationship depends on its portrayal. HA!
  4. My Husband Used to a Player – Like, not a regular player, but the super smooth frat guy that your Momma always told your butt to stay away from. Then he told all of the runner ups to stop texting him and turned his player card in for little ole me. People can’t seem to, and don’t want to, fathom that.
  5. We Are Best Friends. If There is Ever a Me Versus You Situation, I Will Always Win – This one seems to be the killer, and not many truly understand. My husband is my protector, my bodyguard, and my King. He will always and forever have my back! We have been through a great deal together, and when he took his vows he meant it. Unfortunately there is not a darn thing you’re going to be able to do about that…Sorry But Not Sorry 😉
  6. We Are Happy – It’s just that simple. Real Life Undeniable Unconditional Black Love! Two people who took a chance and make it work. My real life Love Jones, the ‘perfect hook to a dope beat,’ the one who ‘personifies my admiration’ and makes me giggle. He is my Lover and the Father of my children. He accepts me the way that I am and holds my existence in the highest regard. He is I and I am Me! Just let us be.

I have found my Cloud Nine, and you better go find yours! Never be mad about what the next lady has…Instead, ask her how she got it!