10 Things You Should Never Say to a Stay-at-Home Mom

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So I promised my audience that I would get back to the initial goal of this blog, which was to highlight Mom life and try to keep our sanities intact  through humorous dialogue! However, in true fashion of a Mother’s diminishing attention span and tendency to become overwhelmingly sidetracked, I fell off course a bit and needed to do some housekeeping in a few other areas of life.

Welp, Momma’s back and I’m starting the New Year off just like I ended the last: Coming for your jugular!

While I’ve only been a part of the SAHM’s club for a little over 6 months now, I’ve still seen and heard some opinions and commentary that truly leave me miffed.

One of the main annoyingly vexing speculations that I’ve run across is the idea that being a SAHM seems to equate to some as the ‘easy life’ or that we’re a sorority of self-entitled spoiled brats, who sip green tea with our pedicured toes propped up, and binge-watch OITNB episodes all day, while scoffing at our fellow 9-5ers. Not So! What I have actually learned in my own experience is that being a SAHM is actually more demanding, challenging, and sometimes surprisingly more stressful than when I actually did go to work everyday. So I sat and pondered on a couple of the most aggravating things that us SAHMs don’t want to hear come out of your face Ever Again…

  1. “You Look Tired” – My GOD this is the quickest way to get on my ish list! Nope, I’m not tired. I just started doing my make-up to reflect a zombie. It’s the new fashion statement. Dork! Of course I’m tired!! My 4 year old has the energy level of a hipster on speed, and my 1 year old refuses to take naps. I used all of my energy when I went to go pee and I’m going to use the rest of it to punch you in the face…Even outside of the context of being a Mom, this is just the most blatantly rude thing you could ever say to someone. I’m going to start responding back with nasty narration such as “Yes! I’m as tired as your current relationship…”
  2. “What Do You Do All Day?” – Ummmm, sustain human life and breathe. What do you do all day?? Just because I’m not going to a job doesn’t mean that my day serves no purpose.
  3. “OMG! I slept ALL Day and I’m SO well-rested!” – Insert the emoji guy that’s blowing steam out of his nose and then re-read number 1. If you just noticed that I was tired, and I just told you that I take naps on the toilet to get rest, then how in the Entire universe do you think that I want to hear about how wonderfully soothing it was for you to count sheep…Again, punch your Face!
  4. “You Didn’t Cook Dinner??” – Nope! Matter fact, I myself have only had time to eat a handful of cheerios that were left on the table from my kid’s breakfast. I’m not apologizing for it either. You want dinner cooked? Well, I want a wine cellar and a 24/7 live jazz band in the basement…We all have dreams here don’t we??? You better go find some milk to go with those cheerios!
  5. “Why Do You Get Up So Early” – Again, being a SAHM doesn’t equal vacation time. I have a pre-schooler that has to be in his classroom by 8:15am, and he needs at least an hour after his morning pep talk to get his life together. Then there’s the 1 year old…yeah…moving on to number 6.
  6. “Why Don’t You Ever Pick Up the Phone?” – Because your rude butt calls me Everyday during nap time!!! Do you understand that during nap time I turn into a mime in my own home?!? There is no talking, there is no walking, there is no moving around, there is no sound! Hell! If I could figure out how to stop breathing and still be alive I would! I need this kid to sleep for HOURS! You’re calling me to talk about what somebody shared on Facebook is of No importance to me right now. Even when it isn’t nap time, Mommy’s cell phone is probably being used as a launching missile in a vicious war between Captain America and Iron Man.
  7. “You Never Invite Me Over During the Day” – To do what exactly?? Kids sniff out newbies and your presence will only make them feel as if the normal routine can be shifted or ignored all together. Yes, I’m at home all day, but there’s a strict structure that has to be followed to keep the entire household on track. You can come over and play with me later after their Dad gets home.
  8. “You Haven’t Had Your Hair/Nails Done in Forever!” – Because that’s Totally my top priority now that I keep my bonnet on all day to prevent Devin from driving his trains through my fro, as well as he also seems to be fascinated with my no-chip and thinks it’s amusing to pick it off. My appearance looks just the way that I choose for it to, and when an occasion calls for otherwise, I know how to get that taken care of. My hair and nails are probably healthier than yours anyway because I’m not messing with them all the time…Lemme go sip this tea though.
  9. “How Are You Not Giving Your Husband Sex Every Night??” – Ok, first of all, I don’t give my husband sex. It’s something that we both want and enjoy on an equally loving level. Second of all, by the time I get a chance to shower at midnight once the baby goes to sleep, I’m half-dead once my head hits the pillow. Again, you think I do nothing all day but sit tight and simmer for my beau. Ha! You better research some real life!
  10. “I Wish I Could Be a Stay-at-Home Mom” (now insert a funky smirk and some rolled eyes) – Listen here, because this is the one that I detest the most. Don’t wish for what you know Not of! Furthermore, don’t throw hater shade my way because of the way that my life affords me to live. You wanna be a SAHM, then do it! You better know what you’re getting yourself into and be choosing that role for good reasons. The old saying is still very relevant here; “The grass is always greener on the other side.” Thing is, you gotta figure out how I keep mine watered first! 😉
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Why I am Not Here For the “Stay-at-Home Girlfriend” Movement

 

 

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Lurking on social media I see all types of preposterous mentions of questionable opinions. Lately there has been one pretty spicy topic to come up that I just can’t keep my big mouth shut about.

So let me paint a quick picture…you and your bestie are lounging in the living room, sipping Pino and talking ish. All of a sudden, she makes a statement and ends it casually identifying herself as a “Stay-at-Home Girlfriend” – PAUSE. Now I have some pretty loose-tongued, low-tolerance, comfortably unapologetic honest friends with overly ‘colorful’ points of view! I can imagine the response to that statement being something in the area of “you’re a WHAT Bish???”, lmbo, I’m just saying…So this now brings me to my controversial question of the day: What in THEE whole hell is a Stay-at-Home Girlfriend???

Let me preface my rant by first saying that I am in No way against girlfriends or women that are not married. Nor do I have any beef with single Moms or honestly secure women who feel as though they just aren’t into marriage. What I do frown upon and act real uncouth about are the many lovely ladies out there lying to kick it and putting up a front about what they know they deserve and want from a man. Our society is all caught up in titles. I get it. If we didn’t have titles we wouldn’t know who actually held some kind of importance, versus who just thought their ass was important and should probably have a seat. You don’t call the Alderman the President of the United States. Feel me?? Anyhow, I believe it is this undying and almost mentally debilitating need to be “Somebody’s Something” in life. People take pride in their roles and hold them with great honor. That being said, all too often we like to be identified with, and put ourselves into, categories of those things we actually aren’t. Traditionally, a Stay-at-Home Wife is one that is married to her mate and usually stays home full-time, at either her own choice or the choice of her spouse…because she can. Let’s go a bit deeper shall we. Wikipedia states the following:

“A housewife is a woman whose main occupation is running or managing her family’s home—caring for and educating her children, cooking and storing food, buying goods the family needs in day-to-day life, cleaning and maintaining the home, making clothes for the family, etc.—and who is generally not employed outside the home.[1] Merriam Webster describes a housewife as a married woman who is in charge of her household. The related term homemaker has almost the same meaning but is not limited to women and does not connote marriage.”

So a Stay-at-Home Girlfriend is actually a homemaker that’s not necessarily a woman??? Sheesh, I’m going to leave that one for another post so let me stay focused!… I also looked up Stay-at-Home Girlfriend and you wanna know what I found besides this cute little newly coined acronym “SAHG”…Comical, cleverly asshole-written SATIRE! And that’s Exactly how I feel about it also! It’s a joke! A punchline! A cunningly cute contrast to a life that you probably want but have settled and convinced yourself that you’re ok without. Yes, I said it. I’ve heard this story WAY too many times of becoming the live-in girlfriend who is still dropping painstakingly awkward hints on the hopeless fact that we “aren’t gonna be Just your girlfriend for too much longer”. Again, if you don’t want to get married, click off of my post now and go sip some tea. However, if you DO, read on and absorb heavily!

If you are single-handedly tending to all of the “duties” mentioned above in the “Housewife” definition, and you are a Girlfriend, YOU my Dear need to re-evaluate your goals in life. Yes, I said it again! Ever heard of the phrase, why would you buy the cow if you’re already getting the milk??? (I think that’s what it says, but you get my point). A HUGE problem women have these days is the fear of standing firm, being aware of their worth, and being afraid to demand what they know they deserve. This has set the pathetic tone of our new age man to not give a damn or have any accountability in long-term relationships! It isn’t all that easy for many men to “be ready” for marriage but I will tell you this…He can be ready all he wants, but if he has someone who happily allows his ass to stay stagnant, he Will! Men need to be challenged! ALL OF THE TIME! Even after you marry them! When you no longer become something he has to work for and continue evolving because of, you become the Sunday paper that he keeps picking up and taking in the house as an habitual gesture; because it’s easier and less messy than leaving them all over the porch every week…Holler when you catch it…

ASK for your damn ring! DEMAND your security! SIT your ass in a house everyday that you also own, and SPEND money from accounts that you have the legal right to as well! Now I know some of that sounds a bit gold-diggerish, but I am being dead serious here! Have some Real life ties to this man! We have TOO many unhappy Black women continuously playing this role instead of getting their shit together! Do you know how many times I’ve gotten the searing glare while out with my children or alone and people (Caucasians) learn that I have a HUSBAND as opposed to a baby daddy or just a boyfriend???? The shit is almost unnerving, but it’s examples such as that which get me so irate at our progressive tendency to just take what we can ’cause at least we got that. FAIL! DO BETTER!

Now in terms of the actual “title”, I won’t be calling you no damn Stay-at-Home Girlfriend! Not solely because I don’t take you seriously, but because when people actually ask ME what I do for a living, I don’t answer them “Oh! I’m a Stay-at-Home Wife!” That’s foolish and nonsensical. I’m a married Mother of two who chooses to stay home and take care of my home and children Full-Time, while I run my own business, as opposed to punching a clock everyday. The value I have within my family cannot be measured by a title, but by what I provide to their lives and well-being. I could care less what you call me, but I won’t ever be downplayed and you will never identify me as a girlfriend. So I ask these girlfriends, why try to appropriate a term essentially originated for a wife’s stature if that truly isn’t what you’re trying to be???…Don’t Worry. I’ll Wait

 

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10 Things New Mommies Shouldn’t Apologize For – Pt.1

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It’s happened! The time has come! Your life has officially changed and there’s no looking back; you’re a New Mom!! Your emotions are a tad bit all over the place but nonetheless you are currently experiencing a level of undeniable bliss for another human being that there is no real relentlessly modest way to even sensibly express it…but now what?? Your perfectly planned and flawlessly designed life now begins to take some major twists and turns and you, to some extent, feel a little bit out of control and somewhat helplessly lonely, in your own personal cloud of cognitive dissonance. The reality of it all is that you will make it through! Believe it or not you’re gonna be ok — “You is smart. You is kind. You is important.” 🙂

The annoyingly disheartening thing about this is that the rest of the world doesn’t seem to understand your plight, nor sympathize with some of your painstaking predicaments. Guess what Mommy….Eff Em! Let me tell you at least 10 things that you most positively and unequivocally should Not apologize for as a new Mom!!!

  1. Your Weight Gain or Lack of Weight Loss – Numero uno, thee most annoying thing anyone in their ever-loving mind can do is mention a woman’s post-pregnant weight. Just find something else to talk about. Period. Here’s the thing, we have already sat in the hospital and then in our homes, and then stood in our bathroom mirrors looking at this new body and then sucking in trying to figure out what in the hell we used to look like. We’ve seen ourselves naked and with clothes on, so your rude unwarranted comments about how our stomachs are “kinda going back down” only make us cringe and want to head butt you. We don’t need you to state the obvious or tell us what we looked like in college, and remind us how small our waists were, or how firm and perky our boobs were, or how many more chins we have now, or that our butts got bigger/wider/smaller, or how “that baby has really made you spread” *insert stale face emoji*. You just created, grew, and then spew forth life to an entire human being. Whatever the hell your body has done, you should not be ashamed of!
  2. Your Choice Not to Nurse – I need all of the Grandmas, Aunties, Breast Feeding Nazis, Facebook Fan Groups, and the like, to mind your darn business!! While I breast-fed with both of my children and will scream its wondrous benefits to the moon, I also understand that it is not for everyone. It is also not easy. It can be mentally traumatic, physically unrelenting, and cause feelings of overall failure if your experience doesn’t go well. I thank God for an angel disguised as an amazing lactation consultant nurse who got right into these sore swollen boobies and showed me how to more effectively latch my youngest son! Then some mothers just do not have the time or energy to nurse. You’re up every other hour at night, and when you return to work, you better hope you’re lucky enough to have your own office because you’re pumping every time you even think about your baby! Again, I personally believe that breast milk is the best milk and think one should at least try before they completely rule it out. Don’t stress yourself though. If you cannot or do not want to do it, don’t. Don’t apologize for it either!
  3. Not Being Ready For Intercourse Yet – This can be a biggie! Especially those of us who are married and in committed relationships so you’re probably sleeping with this man every night. The doctor said six weeks and you’re knocking on about twelve.  He is getting antsy and annoyed and you barely even have the attention span or time to notice. Well guess what MAN…She probably smells like breast milk, drool, an onion, leftover poop, and dirty hair because she gets a shower when she can and doing a wash, deep condition, and blow out with your favorite smelling conditioner just hasn’t been on her list of priorities lately. By the time she pathetically climbs into the bed, she is out quicker than a patient who gets anesthesia before a surgery. Needless to say, sex is the furthest thing from her mind right now. She loves you dearly and yearns for you also, but give her a little time and a weekend where your Mom has the kids and she can focus! She will get it together soon enough but she should not apologize for right now!
  4. Being Tired – This one is obvious and too easy. New Moms are freakin’ TIRED!!! Do you understand what the human body has just gone through, and now there’s a little human desperately staring at you for every ounce of their survival 24/7??? Don’t tell a new Mom that she looks tired. Don’t tell a new Mom that she doesn’t have a reason to be tired because she has a husband. Don’t downplay her tiredness just because you can’t comprehend it. Matter of fact, unless you’re willing to come over and watch the baby so she can sleep for 8-12 hours straight, don’t even talk!
  5. Becoming a New Person – I always sit back and wait for this one when I have friends or others that I know who are about to have their first child. These are usually the people who unfairly judged you when you had your first child and had a whole arsenal of smart ish to say about your new choices and way of living. Your priorities have changed and for good reasoning, but a lot of people won’t get that. Even being pregnant, you have no idea what your mind-set is about to evolve into. You no longer care about clubbing until 4am, making reckless choices with your health/overall life, pointless drama, drinking until you forget your last name, or what color your nails will be the next week. You’ve become an avid member of Mommy blogs and now subscribe to Parent magazine. Finding some good life insurance and researching the best daycare and pre-schools become your past time. You start to disconnect from busy body toxic friends that serve no purpose in the person who you need to ultimately be right now. Taking shots has transitioned into slowly sipping a good Malbec once you get the baby asleep at night. You forgot what nail polish even smells like, and are lucky to rip off that hang nail before it rips your child’s face open while giving him a bath. Things just aren’t the same anymore.

Your life has changed Momma. You owe No One an explanation…and you don’t need to apologize for that!

Prozac and Pinot Grigio

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It’s an age-old taboo. An unspoken past time. The elephant in the room that everybody pretends as if they can’t see. We joke about it, frown our noses up regarding it, make mean judgmental snooty remarks, and don’t even realize the amount of us that are really out there…Medicated Wine-Controlled Mommies. Let’s get a bit real here. The average stay-at-home Mom is currently stirring up her special coffee-concoction during nap time, and hoping no one bothers her for at least an hour. We can put up fronts and play nice, but let’s always remember those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones!

About four or five months ago I was prescribed the pretty popular little miracle pill called Prozac. My husband was tired of being yelled at for the telephone bill being paid a day late, my employees didn’t talk to me until after 10am every morning, my 3yr old had begun mimicking me and regularly yelling as his way of getting people’s attention, and anytime someone brought up something I didn’t want to hear I’d annihilate their lives and make them wish that they were never born. My doctor thought I might have a bit of anxiety 😛

Now, I’ve always been a pretty transparent person firstly because I’ve never truly cared what others thought, and secondly, because you never know when your story might help someone! I always encourage people to get it out before it explodes and takes over from within. Stress is serious and nobody really wants to talk about it. Especially Black women. We seem to think that the more unimportant self-righteous crap that we can add to our daily agendas will make us seem perfect, untouchable, and ultimately as if we can save the World. Well guess what?? We can’t! We have to start saving our sanity!

I’m no glorified pill popper, but I must say that my mood altering chemical imbalance has shifted back to the ‘safe zone’ since the start of my remarkable little blue and white buddies. Do I depend on them? Nah, but I now have a clear enough perspective to more reasonably and rationally work things out without a four-alarm fire ensuing. I say all of this to let my fellow Mommies know that when and if you need help, Get It, and Fast! You cannot live up to a stereotype or be stigmatized if you don’t actually subscribe to the terms of such. You can however become a vicious Medusa head Mommy who doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going, and two minutes from a complete mentally-shattering emotional meltdown.

Now there’s the wine…Let me say this and then we aren’t even going to have to address it anymore ladies. I, Patrice Robinson, will NOT now, nor ever, apologize for my wine consumption! I am a grown Ass woman who often needs a chill down period that a cup of tea just won’t do justice for. We as women have to stop being sorry for how we feel and the things that we need and want to do! A glass of wine here and there never hurt anybody, and three glasses more will guarantee that you’re too damn sleepy to care about any of those people anyway! 😀 I’m not saying become an alcoholic where you cannot function to properly care for your children, yourself, or your husband. You better find your outlet though, and you better utilize it as often as needed. So go join a wine club, chat up the wine enthusiast in the ‘Wine & Spirits’ section of your local grocer, find out what your palate prefers, buy some good wine glasses, and become the lush that you long to be! Don’t be sorry or feel guilty for any of this either, because the next time Little Joe Joe drives his truck up your newly painted walls, you’ll thank me!

Seriously though, we as women have to start owning our mental health, stability, and overall quality of life. Of course all joking aside, this post isn’t to promote the abuse of any controlled substance or prescribed medication (and you probably shouldn’t take the two together). I instead want you to gain a little insight and know that you’re not alone. Us Mommies do A LOT, and we don’t always know when it’s time to take care of ourselves. Maybe you need to eat healthier or maybe you need to incorporate a new exercise regimen. Me? I’m sticking with my good ole P & P! 🙂

Ectopic Pregnancy and Loving After Loss

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As the new age millennials say, “I’ve been all up in my feelings this morning.” Two years ago to this day I sat in a stiff hospital bed, staring blankly at an egg-plant painted wall, wondering if I would ever be the same. Would my marriage ever be the same? Would my body ever be the same? Would I still be a good Mommy to my two-year old? Would I ever be able to face all of those people I had so excitedly gushed about our newly expected arrival to?

On October 7, 2013, I suffered one of the most common conditions experienced by almost 200,000 women a year: an ectopic pregnancy. For those who have never heard of or don’t truly understand it, ectopic pregnancy (extrauterine pregnancy), occurs when the fertilized egg implants outside of the uterus and continues to develop there. Typically the fetus attempts to grow within a fallopian tube. This is not a healthy nor sustainable pregnancy, and depending on how far along the Mother is there will either be oral treatment to permanently dissolve the pregnancy, or in more severe cases, emergency surgery. I fell into the latter group. I also had to lose a fallopian tube.

While my husband and I had planned for this new little life, we never penciled in the concept of someone telling us that he or she may never see the light of day. This was hard. I was a seemingly healthy young woman in her early 30s. I had a normal first pregnancy with no complications. I prayed every night, Thanked God every day, we were really good people…and my baby was still gone. No one could logically explain it to me, even in the sense of medical mumbo jumbo. All I kept hearing was the all too nerve-wrecking “Sometimes these types of things just happen.” The Hell You Say!!! Not to ME! Not to US! Not MY family!

As I’ve stated before in my published Ebony article, days rolled into nights and nights took way too long to go away. Despite my pain, my strength for my husband and my love for our son was my main concern. I cried in the shower and sat in my own awkward silence throughout day when no one was around. When I was finally able to log back into social media, I wasn’t all that comfortable yet about interacting with people, seeing pictures of babies, or being completely honest about how I felt. When I go through things on a serious level, I become the poster child for every stereotypical characteristic of an introvert. I don’t want pity parties or thousands of phone calls. I’ll text you to let you know that I’m alive, and the rest you can get from my husband. However, you realize at some point that life goes on, you aren’t the only one to go through this, and in fact, there are some who have suffered worse. You get a bit more humble about your experience, but you never get over it.

Last year on October 9, 2014, I pushed out an 8 lb bundle of healthy joy and my life changed forever! Devin and I have a bond that No One can or will ever understand. Of course I still often wonder longingly who that child would’ve been, but then I look into Devin’s eyes and I get my answer. People often criticize or judge my husband and I for the tremendously strong relationship that we have, and how seriously we take our family unit. Now you know why. Loving after Loss isn’t easy, but together you can make it through!

Why My 1 Year Old Isn’t Having a Birthday Party

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Next week on October 9, Devin will turn 1!!! 😀  I think all Mommies pretty much feel the same way about celebrating our babies’ milestones in life. We want pictures, tutus, themes, the biggest darn personalized character cake we can find, super heroes, the most quintessential party favor bags…a ferris wheel built in the backyard, a hot air balloon, and nothing short of a miniature Disneyland production to complete this wonderful occasion. The problem here is that we often want all of this excessive ‘extraness’ for tiny human beings who wear bibs as outfits, eat lint balls off of the floor, deem a paci as his most prized possession, and likes to play in the toilet! You see where I’m going here?

For my first child we did it up big for his first big day! Elmo was his BFF, I was a first-time Mom, and his birthday is smack dab in the middle of the Summer. We hooked up with some friends, got together a theme and guest list, found the decorations online, bought a gazillion Sesame Street themed cupcakes and a cake, purchased about $300 worth of food, another two or so of alcohol, got he and Daddy matching outfits, and took off work early to make sure this superstar shindig was executed smoothly. Then reality happened…DJ could care less about the food because he was still drinking Enfamil with rice cereal in it for meals, it was too hot for his outfit so he spent the duration of his party in a diaper, he took half of the decorations and ripped them to shreds because the sound of paper tearing entertained him more than his gifts, he was more terrified than excited of Cookie Monster’s face on his cake and wanted nothing to do with the whole thing. Last but not least, he was asleep 30 minutes into the party and retreated to bed for the remainder of his extravaganza! The adults partied until 4am, had a ball, ate all of the food, cleaned up the leftover mess, and DJ will never remember Any of it!

This time around will be different. Although we understand the premise of making memories, I have come to the conclusion at this point in motherhood that half of what we do for our children is a reflection of ourselves and the things that We want! DJ didn’t want all of that stuff above. I did. DJ doesn’t necessarily need the Polaroid shot of him poking his little finger into a cupcake. I do. Why?? Because he will always be my baby! Some parents tend to go overboard because they want to give their children something that they did not have or experience in childhood, and that’s fine too! I just wanted to be obnoxious and throw a big bash!

I think the most important thing that we have to remember about our children is that they need LOVE! Especially in the infant/toddler stages. Not stuff! I can see that Devin gets pure joy out of just sitting on Mommy and playing patty cake. He giggles at his Daddy when he puts his big arms around him and snuggles into his little face. His world lights up when he hears his big brother’s voice, and he shows all six of his little teeth whenever he sees his Granny. A party is not needed to achieve theses moments.

So this coming Friday won’t be spent on the effort of the event, but on the meaning of the day and appreciation for the child. I will probably find him a onesie that says something about turning 1. I will most definitely take pictures of him as he goes about his busy little day as an official 1 yr old, and his brother will absolutely want to bake him a cake so that He can eat it 🙂  …But most importantly, we will Love on him all day as a family. And that’s more priceless than any birthday party!