Dear Men…7 Things We Really Want On Valentine’s Day Instead of a Gift

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It’s February 1st. This morning at 5am every man in a committed serious relationship woke up in a cold sweat with a migraine. Why? Because in exactly two weeks, they’re expected to reveal the most immensely romantic representation of undying Love, to the Queens in their lives. Some men effortlessly achieve this each year with little to no worries. However, most men are sitting at their desks right now, have already given up, and are desperately trying to remember what size bra and panties she wears, so his Vicky’s Secret go-to sales girl can hook him up.

Well, I’m here to help you this year fellas. Contrary to popular belief, while presents and extravagant tokens of affection are all well and good for your spoiled bougie boo, there’s also some other stuff she needs from you that money just can’t buy. When you get all of these items in line, sometimes we could actually care less about a gift…

  1. Your Time – Sure, you called Paris and had them overnight the new exclusive pair of nude Louboutins directly to her job, complete with five long stemmed red roses to signify each year that you’ve spent Valentine’s Day together; buuuut she hasn’t actually seen you all day, or even this week for that matter! Yes, while we most certainly understand that hard work obviously has to be implemented in order for you to provide us nice things, we also need you to understand that your presence means the World to us. All of the trinkets in the Universe can’t comfort a lonely woman. You better make time for what’s Really important!!
  2. Your Undivided Attention – Ok, you’re spending the time with her, but you’re attention is completely somewhere else. You’ve either got a phone glued to your face, ear buds in your ears, or you’re deeply enthralled in either some sort of television program or a ridiculously distracting guy text messaging convo on your cell. This has to stop fellas. If I have to repeat myself more than two times because your concentration is tied up elsewhere, chances are I don’t even want to talk to you anymore and now I’m completely thrown into an annoyed funk. Again, find better times to engage in certain things where your mate won’t feel neglected. OR, just always remember that you don’t have to show her any attention because there are thousands of hungry man-vultures right outside of your front door that will shower her with all the attention she needs…
  3. Your Effort – Women are considerably more simple than you think. We’re more wrapped up in thought, emotion, and significance. We can also tell when zero effort was considered, and absolutely despise when you don’t believe that effort is needed at all. So you’re tight on cash this month? No worries. Make her a nice thoughtful card, write her letter, or set the bedroom mood with items from your home and pamper her that evening. Cook a meal if she’s always the one who prepares them. Take the initiative to find a sitter for the kids so you two can just relax alone. Make her a cute lunch. Make a loving funny video and send it to her during her most stressful time of the day, because you know this will make her smile. THINK! There’s nothing worse than a man sitting there looking stupid like “uggghhh, I dunno”
  4. Your Honesty – The key to any fulfilling relationship is the concept of honesty. Be honest with your mate about where you two are, where you’re going, and what that means to you. All the heart-shaped chocolate candies in the world means nothing to a situation that’s about to go sour next week! Are there concerns you have with the relationship? With her? With yourself? Be forthright in your delivery and let your mate know! You may not want to hurt her feelings or damage her ego, but ask yourself if holding this in will ruin you all in the end.
  5. The Essence of Your Manhood – I think we all know what this means, hehehe. It’s free,  it’s all encompassing, it’s pleasurable to you both, and it’s scientifically proven as a superb stress-reliever! If your relationship is in this stage, please do responsibly take advantage of this. Plan for something out of the box and blow her mind. Women love a man to take control and work what’s his! Visit a speciality store, grab some scented centering oils, candles, and take care of your woman! Again…never mind, I don’t need to tell you again about those vultures.
  6. For You to Tell Her That She’s Beautiful – You should probably be doing this Everyday anyway, and if you aren’t, shame on you! It isn’t an ego thing for women so much, but instead a declaration of admiration and charming gesture. It takes absolutely Nothing from your day to sincerely compliment your woman!! She craves it, she waits for it, and she giggles and smiles when she gets it from you. Don’t Ever assume “she’s aight! She knows she’s good”…Most epic fail Ever! Yeah, she IS aight, but if she has to wonder whether or not her man thinks she is may be a Serious blow to your relationship. Your pride and ego have no room here. Tell that woman every minute of every day just how alluring she is!
  7. YOU – At the end of the day, when all is said and done, fellas, we just want You! No bells & whistles or unnecessarily trumped up nonsense. She needs you to be a Man. Her Man. The Man. She wants to know that you will protect her from whatever harm comes her way, and trust that she can depend on you to take the reins and properly lead when she hands them to you. All of the money in the world can’t replace any of these qualities.

Know who you are, what you have, and how to keep it! More importantly, know that you don’t need to wait until Valentine’s Day to provide these seven jewels. Be this man all of the time and then you don’t even have to worry about February 14th…

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That Time When You Wanted to Punch Your Husband…

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Don’t turn up your nose or make the surprised face. We’ve all been here at some point. You love him to death, but if you have to wipe pee off of the toilet One more time or catch him scraping the sharpest fork he can find into your expensive ass, PTFE Teflon non-stick cookware, you’re going to be on the next ‘Special Edition’ episode of Snapped

Ladies, men Do Not get it! Their brains aren’t wired to, and their attention spans are still in the toddler stages. While most of our frustrations are very well justified, until you began  to realize where all of this is coming from, stop taking it personal, and learn to open your OCD up for compromise, you will miserably fail in marriage.

With that being said, I still need to vent a little with my fellow espoused butterflies. You can either send this to your hubby Right when you know he arrives to work and is getting ready to start his day (evil voice laugh), or you can grab a glass and wine and enjoy during your own solo time. Whichever you do, just remember that we’re poking fun at the obvious and if you feel like you need to divorce your husband after reading a blog, She Speaks ain’t got Nothin’ to do with that!!

You Wanted to Punch Him When…

1. He picked you up from somewhere and you noticed that the gas hand was in the negative

WHY WHY WHY do you all do this?? Seriously! You passed twelve gas stations with your Low Fuel light on, and then merged your ass onto the highway. WTH?!?! Automobiles do not run on charm, air particles, gym sweat, or your iPhone charger! That stinky liquid stuff called gasoline is actually needed. Like, all the time. It also isn’t all that smart to keep driving your car down to ‘E’. Your fuel pump is there to help you. Not to suck in air which could prematurely ruin it. I’m no mechanic, but I think this repair will cost much more than the $2.39/gallon gas fill up. Contrary to popular belief, us women don’t think it’s cute to get stranded because we ran out of gas! We think it’s irresponsible and a Huge turn-off.

2. You sent him to the grocery store with not only a detailed grocery list, identifying which aisle each item will be in, and which clerk to seek out if he had an issue finding something. You also texted him pictures of the items requested so there would be no discrepancies…He came back home with half the ish on your list, claiming that most of it he did not see, they did not have, and 2/3 of what he brought back was wrong

Men just don’t care about the grocery store as much as we do. Women will leave the house at 8am on a Sunday with three lists, ten coupons, five Rewards cards, and a Pinterest recipe bookmarked on our phone! It’s not a Game! We have a purpose here and it’s critical that it be accomplished correctly. We don’t even go to just One grocery store! We know the realness and essential requirement in traveling to at least three stores for different items (organic foods, meats, fruits & veggies, sale, wine, seafood, etc.). This is something we will never be able to pass along or teach our men. The passion just isn’t there.

3. You forwarded him Every email, sent him notifications from the sites, personally synched your ‘Finances’ calendar to his, and sent smoke signals at 5am the morning a bill was due…He asks you later on that night at 9pm what day are y’all supposed to pay the electricity bill on

Grrrrrrrrr!!!! Arrrrrrrgh!!!!! I will never understand some men’s aloofness with personal finances. I think husbands tend to be worse because they know that they have mini-accountants as wives who will take care of everything. Not true. We forget sometimes too which is why two minds are better than one. The difference is that us forgetting is because there’s one billion other household affairs that we’re solving in our minds at the same time. You forgot because, well, ok , you never cared to know in the first place. *le sigh*

4. The one rare time you go out for an evening, you come home to children that had Cheez-Its and graham crackers for dinner and the baby is naked in a droopy diaper with everything he’s eaten crusted around his mouth…Hubby gives you the “What??” face

Again, men are not like us. We want order. We’re precise and we plan. We want our kids to eat healthy, nutritious, well-balanced meals and not smell like Garbage Pail Kids. Men just want them to be alive. This is fine. I’ve learned to just keep sending annoying ‘reminder’ texts throughout my time away, asking if certain things have happened yet. 🙂

So now is the part where you go hug your Hubby and tell him that you love him despite the truth in this list! Men will be Men and Women will be Women. At the end of the day, always remember that none of this trivial stuff even really matters, and that there’s always room for growth on both sides of a marriage….For now fellas, just stop doing all the things that make us want to Punch You! 😉