Why THIS Wife Isn’t Team Angie!

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Disclaimer: If you have yet to watch the latest episode of Power or don’t watch it at all, you should probably just click out of this now because you won’t “feel” my pain or understand anything that I’m preaching about.

 

As I sat on my couch one morning this week going over bank accounts, balancing the checking, savings, and bills, walking my husband through otherwise intelligible tasks, ordering my son’s school uniform, and then figuring out what I would use to create magic and invent a well-balanced nutritional breakfast for my children, I began to think about just how much wives do for their families, and began to ponder on this past week’s episode of Power. I immediately got a knot in my stomach and wanted to punch somebody.

Here’s the thing, while we all absolutely love and go bat shit crazy for this show; with its electrifying plots, rough neck urban-chic gangster vibe, and thrilling twists and turns, we continually allow the red flag to go over our heads that in the interim of this scintillating entertainment, there is a family being destroyed and a marriage being diabolically disrespected.

A lot of people like to separate Ghost vs. James St. Patrick and give some brilliant bullshit synopsis of why Jamie turned to Angie, and how Ghost was exhausted from his street life, leading him to turn away from his Wife. Fail! It’s this little thing called personal responsibility and accountability. You not being happy with your marriage/relationship is one thing. You not being happy with yourSELF and the alter ego You chose to create is another. At what point do you become a man and start being honest about your mess? He can cry that river all he wants to, build a boat, then float off to sea and get the f*ck outta my face with that BS! (Please pardon my language but we’re talking Love & War here)  I’m not buying into the melodramatics nor am I here for any parts of Jamie and Angie’s dysfunctionally absurd relationship.

This Wife isn’t Team Angie and let me tell you why…

  • Death to Side Chicks – Let me just go ahead and get this out now so y’all can be mad at me and then get over it. I don’t do side chicks. I don’t condone the practice, you, or your ministry; and nope I am not talking about girlfriend/boyfriend relationships. I am speaking in terms of marriage. Dating a married man. A man who you know is married. A man who you know is legally, emotionally, financially, psychologically, and otherwise tied to another whole woman. A man that is not yours. Before you tell me that I’m rude and judgmental, know that I am also very transparent. Have I dated somebody else’s boyfriend?? Of course I have! I was like 23, in college, still paying my rent with refund checks, and drinking Mad Dog 20/20. He didn’t own a nightclub, live in a penthouse suite, and have three children and a wife either. There was no broken homes, joint bank accounts, traumatized offspring, alimony, private-school tuition, or mortgages to think about. You get my drift?? I won’t now, nor will I ever, have an ounce of care and respect for a woman who thinks she can find her life and happiness in someone else’s man. Those of you who didn’t know he was married, bless your hearts and we’ll counsel you at a later time. For that other pathetic half, know that I have a coke, a smile, and my .22 waiting on you if you think for half a minute that my Mr is about to become apart of your happy ending.
  • Ain’t Nothing Better Than P*ssy, Except New P*ssy – I’m a married woman but I ain’t stupid! We have heard this line several times, and several men will attest to this notion. This also very heavily proves my point. Boo Boo Kitty was some new stuff, with a bonus of being someone whom he previously knew and seemingly trusted (sex-wise at least). We’re talking about a man who otherwise probably didn’t have time to find something random to be running up in besides his wife. Then here presents this perfectly packaged punanny, wrapped in an unadulterated clueless blast of infidelity called Angie. Not only do you get to explore a new womanly aura, you get to do so in lavish hotel suites, without kids in the next room, and under the guise that you all will live happily ever after in blasé bliss.
  • The Woman That Knows Nothing & Asks No Questions Isn’t the Real MVP – Every married man has that one gripe with us wives. We want and need to know what the hell is going on, and we will stay on your ass until we are given the information that is needed. We are the ones that won’t let you keep secrets, hide significant portions of your life, tell us any ole thing, or sell us a damn dream. We fill out the important paperwork you don’t wanna be bothered with, make sure the presentations are sent to your boss on time, know the lawyer and the best friend and how to get in contact with them when shit goes down, and run interference on all of your business matters to make sure things run smoothly.  You damn right we aren’t going to be the easy breezy, goofball knucklehead that lets you get away with murder!! Angie banged Jamie for almost two full seasons before she even knew his real identity and that she was in bed with the same person she was trying to take down. You do the math on that one. I digress…
  • You Don’t Get to Live Happily Ever After With What I’ve Built Up – This is a serious one here! Ma’am, I have endured years of bad credit, financial instability, riding in a hoopty, eating Ramen noodles, smashing in random places, and loving unconditionally for you to come swoop up the upgraded, new model of all my dirt, sweat and tears!! He wasn’t always “Ghost” and didn’t become such by himself! If we choose to remember the whole story on Ms. Valdez and Mr. St. Patrick, we’ll remember that she supposedly up and left homeboy when ish got rough for him, and she got access to better opportunities for her life. His Wife is who was down with him from the bottom and helped him to build that empire. His Wife is who attends the monthly meetings at the bank, reviews their legit finances, signs off on the accounts, runs his home, raises his children, attends pertinent business outings as his partner, knows the major players in both businesses and how to run them, makes sure the dirty money is cleaned and the dropped bodies are never discovered, and will do whatever is necessary when the necessary occurs…You don’t get to walk away from the person who has held your raggedy butt down before you became the powerhouse that you are. She also doesn’t get to reap the benefits of what I’ve worked for without having to get her hands dirty! Relationships based in rainbows and purple moons don’t last. Hence the fact that Ghost and James St. Patrick had to leave Angela Valdez alone and take both of their asses back home!
  • Our Children Don’t Deserve the Messy Outcome – One of the biggest disturbances of a broken family is the effect it has on the kids. No one seems to think about this when we’re sneaking on a vacation with that outside person, or telling them how much we love and adore them and are willing to leave our spouses for them. You see, our children actually get it the worst because nine times out of ten they never saw it coming and are given this outrageously horrifying news at a point where all decisions have been made and the damage is already done. They have no say so and feel powerless, unloved, and unimportant. All that Ghost’s kids got to see was a new woman who wasn’t Mommy, whom Daddy had moved on with, and that they now had to pretend they liked. That’s not fair and you won’t put my kids through it for a fantasy land affair! I didn’t birth three of your children to split them in three parts with another completely aloof undeserving person who doesn’t honor that stature.

When it’s all said and done, there will be several sides and points of view for this scenario. There are women who have been on both sides of the spectrum, and those who haven’t. There will be some that have an opposing outlook to mine, and that’s just fine. I came here today, however, to tell you why THIS wife just ain’t for it!!!

 

 

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10 Things You Should Never Say to a Stay-at-Home Mom

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So I promised my audience that I would get back to the initial goal of this blog, which was to highlight Mom life and try to keep our sanities intact  through humorous dialogue! However, in true fashion of a Mother’s diminishing attention span and tendency to become overwhelmingly sidetracked, I fell off course a bit and needed to do some housekeeping in a few other areas of life.

Welp, Momma’s back and I’m starting the New Year off just like I ended the last: Coming for your jugular!

While I’ve only been a part of the SAHM’s club for a little over 6 months now, I’ve still seen and heard some opinions and commentary that truly leave me miffed.

One of the main annoyingly vexing speculations that I’ve run across is the idea that being a SAHM seems to equate to some as the ‘easy life’ or that we’re a sorority of self-entitled spoiled brats, who sip green tea with our pedicured toes propped up, and binge-watch OITNB episodes all day, while scoffing at our fellow 9-5ers. Not So! What I have actually learned in my own experience is that being a SAHM is actually more demanding, challenging, and sometimes surprisingly more stressful than when I actually did go to work everyday. So I sat and pondered on a couple of the most aggravating things that us SAHMs don’t want to hear come out of your face Ever Again…

  1. “You Look Tired” – My GOD this is the quickest way to get on my ish list! Nope, I’m not tired. I just started doing my make-up to reflect a zombie. It’s the new fashion statement. Dork! Of course I’m tired!! My 4 year old has the energy level of a hipster on speed, and my 1 year old refuses to take naps. I used all of my energy when I went to go pee and I’m going to use the rest of it to punch you in the face…Even outside of the context of being a Mom, this is just the most blatantly rude thing you could ever say to someone. I’m going to start responding back with nasty narration such as “Yes! I’m as tired as your current relationship…”
  2. “What Do You Do All Day?” – Ummmm, sustain human life and breathe. What do you do all day?? Just because I’m not going to a job doesn’t mean that my day serves no purpose.
  3. “OMG! I slept ALL Day and I’m SO well-rested!” – Insert the emoji guy that’s blowing steam out of his nose and then re-read number 1. If you just noticed that I was tired, and I just told you that I take naps on the toilet to get rest, then how in the Entire universe do you think that I want to hear about how wonderfully soothing it was for you to count sheep…Again, punch your Face!
  4. “You Didn’t Cook Dinner??” – Nope! Matter fact, I myself have only had time to eat a handful of cheerios that were left on the table from my kid’s breakfast. I’m not apologizing for it either. You want dinner cooked? Well, I want a wine cellar and a 24/7 live jazz band in the basement…We all have dreams here don’t we??? You better go find some milk to go with those cheerios!
  5. “Why Do You Get Up So Early” – Again, being a SAHM doesn’t equal vacation time. I have a pre-schooler that has to be in his classroom by 8:15am, and he needs at least an hour after his morning pep talk to get his life together. Then there’s the 1 year old…yeah…moving on to number 6.
  6. “Why Don’t You Ever Pick Up the Phone?” – Because your rude butt calls me Everyday during nap time!!! Do you understand that during nap time I turn into a mime in my own home?!? There is no talking, there is no walking, there is no moving around, there is no sound! Hell! If I could figure out how to stop breathing and still be alive I would! I need this kid to sleep for HOURS! You’re calling me to talk about what somebody shared on Facebook is of No importance to me right now. Even when it isn’t nap time, Mommy’s cell phone is probably being used as a launching missile in a vicious war between Captain America and Iron Man.
  7. “You Never Invite Me Over During the Day” – To do what exactly?? Kids sniff out newbies and your presence will only make them feel as if the normal routine can be shifted or ignored all together. Yes, I’m at home all day, but there’s a strict structure that has to be followed to keep the entire household on track. You can come over and play with me later after their Dad gets home.
  8. “You Haven’t Had Your Hair/Nails Done in Forever!” – Because that’s Totally my top priority now that I keep my bonnet on all day to prevent Devin from driving his trains through my fro, as well as he also seems to be fascinated with my no-chip and thinks it’s amusing to pick it off. My appearance looks just the way that I choose for it to, and when an occasion calls for otherwise, I know how to get that taken care of. My hair and nails are probably healthier than yours anyway because I’m not messing with them all the time…Lemme go sip this tea though.
  9. “How Are You Not Giving Your Husband Sex Every Night??” – Ok, first of all, I don’t give my husband sex. It’s something that we both want and enjoy on an equally loving level. Second of all, by the time I get a chance to shower at midnight once the baby goes to sleep, I’m half-dead once my head hits the pillow. Again, you think I do nothing all day but sit tight and simmer for my beau. Ha! You better research some real life!
  10. “I Wish I Could Be a Stay-at-Home Mom” (now insert a funky smirk and some rolled eyes) – Listen here, because this is the one that I detest the most. Don’t wish for what you know Not of! Furthermore, don’t throw hater shade my way because of the way that my life affords me to live. You wanna be a SAHM, then do it! You better know what you’re getting yourself into and be choosing that role for good reasons. The old saying is still very relevant here; “The grass is always greener on the other side.” Thing is, you gotta figure out how I keep mine watered first! 😉

This Is What Black Motherhood Looks Like: Birth After Loss

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Seven months ago I randomly submitted a piece to EBONY.com for a Mother’s Day feature, focusing on extraordinary stories of Black Motherhood and what it meant to me. This movement was categorized as #ThisIsWhatBlackMotherhoodLooksLike.  I literally took one of the most tragic moments of my life and commenced to spilling my pain into 1,000 words or less. I had no idea that the remarkably talented, three-time Black Weblog Awards winner, and culturally-aware Fierce Feminist Femme Fatale would actually pick my little ole essay to post! Jamilah Lemieux, Senior Editor for EBONY Magazine, made my day, my week, and inspired me to continue writing. Today I’m choosing to share again this timeless piece with you all, in hopes that I can encourage another Black Mom to keep believing!

#ThisIsWhatBlackMotherhoodLooksLike

 

This is my story…

At the age of 32, married with a busy body toddler, my wish was to “complete” my family by adding on a bright beautiful bubbling little girl. So my husband and I decided to discontinue using birth control and got to procreating! In September of 2013, I got the beginnings of my wish. After about a week of irritability, an unexplained appetite, and literally falling asleep at my desk, I told hubby to go grab the generic two-pack of pregnancy tests (they work better!), and trickled on a stick. Voilà! There it was! That one little pink line that usually defined the rest of a woman’s life. I was pleasantly surprised but still taken aback at the thought of going through the nine-month stretch again. My husband was happy, my mom was elated, and an unsuspecting only child couldn’t wait to become a big brother.

Then, October 6th happened.

Just like any other Sunday, I got up with my little one, made breakfast, and we watched “Elmo’s World.” My husband slept soundly after having worked a hellish 12-hour overnight shift. He had no idea our lives were about to change…as I snuggled into my couch and watched my son play with his toys, I began to mildly cramp up. Nothing extreme. The kind of cramps you have when people reassure you that your uterus is just stretching, so I didn’t worry. The cramps continued on though. A little longer than I had experienced before; and they got more intense. Still not in a panic, I simply got up and went to the bathroom, self-diagnosing myself with “preggo indigestion.” Only, by the time I had finished, I was on all fours in the middle of my bathroom reassuring my two-year-old that “Mommy was ok”, and gently but sternly trying to tell him to go get Daddy.

Mommy wasn’t okay. I was in the type of pain where I couldn’t move from side-to-side. All I could do was lie on the stretcher in the ER and groan sadly that I didn’t want to lose my baby. My husband held my hand tight and whispered to me to try and stay calm and that it would be okay. Again, Mommy wasn’t okay. I watched that ultrasound screen as the doctor poked and prodded earnestly trying to find some evidence of a pregnancy. There was nothing there. All I heard was “This pregnancy will not last. It has not implanted correctly…”

My world caved in and swallowed me whole. I stared up at those offensive fluorescent lights of that ER exam room and hot tears just ran down the sides of my face. I was a mere and fresh 7 weeks pregnant. I didn’t know the gender. I had already picked names though. Just the day before I had gone to Whole Foods and purchased every healthy item that my pregnancy app recommended. But in less than twenty-four hours, I would have a surgery to not only remove my baby, but my entire left fallopian tube. Life re-birthed itself from that point on.

Days were hard and nights were terrible. I boycotted social media indefinitely in the fear of seeing someone’s pregnancy announcement or overly adorable picture of an infant. My Oxycodone numbed me physically but did little to relieve my mental anguish. I didn’t talk about it much and neither did those around me. I cried at night in the living room while my husband slept and thanked God that my little boy didn’t know enough about life to even realize what had happened. I realize now that I probably should have sought out professional help, but I, as many Black women, instead treated myself with journaling, praying, and wine time at noon. After 6 full weeks at home, I realized that life had to go on, my family needed me, my career demanded me, and that I would be Ok.

Mommy was doing better. I finally got life back up and running and moved away from the misery. My husband and I chose to try again for another baby. Low and behold, at the end of January 2014, I got another pink line! A gloomy and strange cloud of uncertainty, doubt, and horror hovered over me, but then I remembered that I was a strong woman, one who needed to become that lost strength for other moms who were afraid to talk about this trauma and ashamed to admit it. So I embraced my pregnancy and celebrated even harder when I passed 7 weeks and we were told that this one had implanted where it should.

On October 9, 2014, Devin Letez Robinson came into this world at 9:01 am, exactly one year and 48 hours to the day that I had gone into surgery to terminate my ectopic pregnancy. My little boy was healthy, happy, and most importantly, alive! He’s 6 months now, and we have an unspoken bond that even I don’t understand at times. I released that hurt the moment he came into this world, and never looked back. I just want to empower other women to know that we can and will survive loss, hurt, and unfortunate circumstance. Black women are often so focused on being the never broken cord, that we forget we are human. I’m here to say…“Mommies, you will be okay!”

 
Read more and see this full article here at EBONY
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10 Things New Mommies Shouldn’t Apologize For – Pt.1

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It’s happened! The time has come! Your life has officially changed and there’s no looking back; you’re a New Mom!! Your emotions are a tad bit all over the place but nonetheless you are currently experiencing a level of undeniable bliss for another human being that there is no real relentlessly modest way to even sensibly express it…but now what?? Your perfectly planned and flawlessly designed life now begins to take some major twists and turns and you, to some extent, feel a little bit out of control and somewhat helplessly lonely, in your own personal cloud of cognitive dissonance. The reality of it all is that you will make it through! Believe it or not you’re gonna be ok — “You is smart. You is kind. You is important.” 🙂

The annoyingly disheartening thing about this is that the rest of the world doesn’t seem to understand your plight, nor sympathize with some of your painstaking predicaments. Guess what Mommy….Eff Em! Let me tell you at least 10 things that you most positively and unequivocally should Not apologize for as a new Mom!!!

  1. Your Weight Gain or Lack of Weight Loss – Numero uno, thee most annoying thing anyone in their ever-loving mind can do is mention a woman’s post-pregnant weight. Just find something else to talk about. Period. Here’s the thing, we have already sat in the hospital and then in our homes, and then stood in our bathroom mirrors looking at this new body and then sucking in trying to figure out what in the hell we used to look like. We’ve seen ourselves naked and with clothes on, so your rude unwarranted comments about how our stomachs are “kinda going back down” only make us cringe and want to head butt you. We don’t need you to state the obvious or tell us what we looked like in college, and remind us how small our waists were, or how firm and perky our boobs were, or how many more chins we have now, or that our butts got bigger/wider/smaller, or how “that baby has really made you spread” *insert stale face emoji*. You just created, grew, and then spew forth life to an entire human being. Whatever the hell your body has done, you should not be ashamed of!
  2. Your Choice Not to Nurse – I need all of the Grandmas, Aunties, Breast Feeding Nazis, Facebook Fan Groups, and the like, to mind your darn business!! While I breast-fed with both of my children and will scream its wondrous benefits to the moon, I also understand that it is not for everyone. It is also not easy. It can be mentally traumatic, physically unrelenting, and cause feelings of overall failure if your experience doesn’t go well. I thank God for an angel disguised as an amazing lactation consultant nurse who got right into these sore swollen boobies and showed me how to more effectively latch my youngest son! Then some mothers just do not have the time or energy to nurse. You’re up every other hour at night, and when you return to work, you better hope you’re lucky enough to have your own office because you’re pumping every time you even think about your baby! Again, I personally believe that breast milk is the best milk and think one should at least try before they completely rule it out. Don’t stress yourself though. If you cannot or do not want to do it, don’t. Don’t apologize for it either!
  3. Not Being Ready For Intercourse Yet – This can be a biggie! Especially those of us who are married and in committed relationships so you’re probably sleeping with this man every night. The doctor said six weeks and you’re knocking on about twelve.  He is getting antsy and annoyed and you barely even have the attention span or time to notice. Well guess what MAN…She probably smells like breast milk, drool, an onion, leftover poop, and dirty hair because she gets a shower when she can and doing a wash, deep condition, and blow out with your favorite smelling conditioner just hasn’t been on her list of priorities lately. By the time she pathetically climbs into the bed, she is out quicker than a patient who gets anesthesia before a surgery. Needless to say, sex is the furthest thing from her mind right now. She loves you dearly and yearns for you also, but give her a little time and a weekend where your Mom has the kids and she can focus! She will get it together soon enough but she should not apologize for right now!
  4. Being Tired – This one is obvious and too easy. New Moms are freakin’ TIRED!!! Do you understand what the human body has just gone through, and now there’s a little human desperately staring at you for every ounce of their survival 24/7??? Don’t tell a new Mom that she looks tired. Don’t tell a new Mom that she doesn’t have a reason to be tired because she has a husband. Don’t downplay her tiredness just because you can’t comprehend it. Matter of fact, unless you’re willing to come over and watch the baby so she can sleep for 8-12 hours straight, don’t even talk!
  5. Becoming a New Person – I always sit back and wait for this one when I have friends or others that I know who are about to have their first child. These are usually the people who unfairly judged you when you had your first child and had a whole arsenal of smart ish to say about your new choices and way of living. Your priorities have changed and for good reasoning, but a lot of people won’t get that. Even being pregnant, you have no idea what your mind-set is about to evolve into. You no longer care about clubbing until 4am, making reckless choices with your health/overall life, pointless drama, drinking until you forget your last name, or what color your nails will be the next week. You’ve become an avid member of Mommy blogs and now subscribe to Parent magazine. Finding some good life insurance and researching the best daycare and pre-schools become your past time. You start to disconnect from busy body toxic friends that serve no purpose in the person who you need to ultimately be right now. Taking shots has transitioned into slowly sipping a good Malbec once you get the baby asleep at night. You forgot what nail polish even smells like, and are lucky to rip off that hang nail before it rips your child’s face open while giving him a bath. Things just aren’t the same anymore.

Your life has changed Momma. You owe No One an explanation…and you don’t need to apologize for that!

Why My Marriage Might Offend You

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Over the past couple of weeks I’ve noticed a trend among women while perusing several other blogs and random articles. There seems to be a quite ubiquitous undertone about the resentment that some single women have towards women who are married. Again, I said some. Do not bring your enraged commentary under my post acting an entire fool if this does not apply to or describe you! In reality, the fact of the matter is that there are a lot of dejected and miserable females of the human species that are roaming this good Earth; and a great deal of it stems from relationship status. Denying only makes the issue worse, and then the bitterness continues to fester. Well, this girl here isn’t going to let you throw your acrimonious little temper tantrums and start downplaying my peace of mind just to keep your scab from peeling! We have got to learn to stop apologizing for the depths of our euphoria and the plight towards positivity that we have demanded and drawn into our lives. Some may call me a narcissist after reading this, while others will shout in praise. However you take it, just remember that your and my life still exist outside of this blog! 🙂

Now in true fashion of my infamous lists, spicy speculations, and widely known word venom, I have personally put together some brutally honest logic as to why my, and other women’s, marriages just might leave you a bit vexed.

  1. We Actually Like Each Other –  As in, even on our bad days we don’t want to stab each other into little pieces. We actually know and appreciate who we’ve married and enjoy being around one another. This seems to get under people’s skin. Why? I don’t know, but that isn’t my problem to figure out either! I know you’re thinking that this is a bit obvious but it isn’t. There is a huge percentage of the population married to individuals whom they don’t actually even care for. I’ve seen it before. It goes along with the issue of marrying for the wrong reasons.
  2. We Have No Skeletons in the Closet – We both have pasts. We are both aware of those pasts. We could care less…Nothing is secretly going to be revealed that will make the other fret or cause disarray in our union. This annoys people…We are sorry for your disappointment.
  3. Our Marriage is No Different on Social Media Than it is in Real Life – This is a basic one but it needed to be said. We don’t pretend or portray to be anything that we are not. What you see is what you get and most people who end up meeting us are usually pleasantly surprised by our relationship. We don’t hide our love, but we also aren’t obnoxiously leaving kissing emojis all over each other’s pages every ten minutes. We follow one another on different sites and neither of us have any weird, possessive, jealousy, or infidelity issues involved in that. Again, this seems to tick people off. Social Media runs the world and the validity of your relationship depends on its portrayal. HA!
  4. My Husband Used to a Player – Like, not a regular player, but the super smooth frat guy that your Momma always told your butt to stay away from. Then he told all of the runner ups to stop texting him and turned his player card in for little ole me. People can’t seem to, and don’t want to, fathom that.
  5. We Are Best Friends. If There is Ever a Me Versus You Situation, I Will Always Win – This one seems to be the killer, and not many truly understand. My husband is my protector, my bodyguard, and my King. He will always and forever have my back! We have been through a great deal together, and when he took his vows he meant it. Unfortunately there is not a darn thing you’re going to be able to do about that…Sorry But Not Sorry 😉
  6. We Are Happy – It’s just that simple. Real Life Undeniable Unconditional Black Love! Two people who took a chance and make it work. My real life Love Jones, the ‘perfect hook to a dope beat,’ the one who ‘personifies my admiration’ and makes me giggle. He is my Lover and the Father of my children. He accepts me the way that I am and holds my existence in the highest regard. He is I and I am Me! Just let us be.

I have found my Cloud Nine, and you better go find yours! Never be mad about what the next lady has…Instead, ask her how she got it!

Ectopic Pregnancy and Loving After Loss

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As the new age millennials say, “I’ve been all up in my feelings this morning.” Two years ago to this day I sat in a stiff hospital bed, staring blankly at an egg-plant painted wall, wondering if I would ever be the same. Would my marriage ever be the same? Would my body ever be the same? Would I still be a good Mommy to my two-year old? Would I ever be able to face all of those people I had so excitedly gushed about our newly expected arrival to?

On October 7, 2013, I suffered one of the most common conditions experienced by almost 200,000 women a year: an ectopic pregnancy. For those who have never heard of or don’t truly understand it, ectopic pregnancy (extrauterine pregnancy), occurs when the fertilized egg implants outside of the uterus and continues to develop there. Typically the fetus attempts to grow within a fallopian tube. This is not a healthy nor sustainable pregnancy, and depending on how far along the Mother is there will either be oral treatment to permanently dissolve the pregnancy, or in more severe cases, emergency surgery. I fell into the latter group. I also had to lose a fallopian tube.

While my husband and I had planned for this new little life, we never penciled in the concept of someone telling us that he or she may never see the light of day. This was hard. I was a seemingly healthy young woman in her early 30s. I had a normal first pregnancy with no complications. I prayed every night, Thanked God every day, we were really good people…and my baby was still gone. No one could logically explain it to me, even in the sense of medical mumbo jumbo. All I kept hearing was the all too nerve-wrecking “Sometimes these types of things just happen.” The Hell You Say!!! Not to ME! Not to US! Not MY family!

As I’ve stated before in my published Ebony article, days rolled into nights and nights took way too long to go away. Despite my pain, my strength for my husband and my love for our son was my main concern. I cried in the shower and sat in my own awkward silence throughout day when no one was around. When I was finally able to log back into social media, I wasn’t all that comfortable yet about interacting with people, seeing pictures of babies, or being completely honest about how I felt. When I go through things on a serious level, I become the poster child for every stereotypical characteristic of an introvert. I don’t want pity parties or thousands of phone calls. I’ll text you to let you know that I’m alive, and the rest you can get from my husband. However, you realize at some point that life goes on, you aren’t the only one to go through this, and in fact, there are some who have suffered worse. You get a bit more humble about your experience, but you never get over it.

Last year on October 9, 2014, I pushed out an 8 lb bundle of healthy joy and my life changed forever! Devin and I have a bond that No One can or will ever understand. Of course I still often wonder longingly who that child would’ve been, but then I look into Devin’s eyes and I get my answer. People often criticize or judge my husband and I for the tremendously strong relationship that we have, and how seriously we take our family unit. Now you know why. Loving after Loss isn’t easy, but together you can make it through!

Why My 1 Year Old Isn’t Having a Birthday Party

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Next week on October 9, Devin will turn 1!!! 😀  I think all Mommies pretty much feel the same way about celebrating our babies’ milestones in life. We want pictures, tutus, themes, the biggest darn personalized character cake we can find, super heroes, the most quintessential party favor bags…a ferris wheel built in the backyard, a hot air balloon, and nothing short of a miniature Disneyland production to complete this wonderful occasion. The problem here is that we often want all of this excessive ‘extraness’ for tiny human beings who wear bibs as outfits, eat lint balls off of the floor, deem a paci as his most prized possession, and likes to play in the toilet! You see where I’m going here?

For my first child we did it up big for his first big day! Elmo was his BFF, I was a first-time Mom, and his birthday is smack dab in the middle of the Summer. We hooked up with some friends, got together a theme and guest list, found the decorations online, bought a gazillion Sesame Street themed cupcakes and a cake, purchased about $300 worth of food, another two or so of alcohol, got he and Daddy matching outfits, and took off work early to make sure this superstar shindig was executed smoothly. Then reality happened…DJ could care less about the food because he was still drinking Enfamil with rice cereal in it for meals, it was too hot for his outfit so he spent the duration of his party in a diaper, he took half of the decorations and ripped them to shreds because the sound of paper tearing entertained him more than his gifts, he was more terrified than excited of Cookie Monster’s face on his cake and wanted nothing to do with the whole thing. Last but not least, he was asleep 30 minutes into the party and retreated to bed for the remainder of his extravaganza! The adults partied until 4am, had a ball, ate all of the food, cleaned up the leftover mess, and DJ will never remember Any of it!

This time around will be different. Although we understand the premise of making memories, I have come to the conclusion at this point in motherhood that half of what we do for our children is a reflection of ourselves and the things that We want! DJ didn’t want all of that stuff above. I did. DJ doesn’t necessarily need the Polaroid shot of him poking his little finger into a cupcake. I do. Why?? Because he will always be my baby! Some parents tend to go overboard because they want to give their children something that they did not have or experience in childhood, and that’s fine too! I just wanted to be obnoxious and throw a big bash!

I think the most important thing that we have to remember about our children is that they need LOVE! Especially in the infant/toddler stages. Not stuff! I can see that Devin gets pure joy out of just sitting on Mommy and playing patty cake. He giggles at his Daddy when he puts his big arms around him and snuggles into his little face. His world lights up when he hears his big brother’s voice, and he shows all six of his little teeth whenever he sees his Granny. A party is not needed to achieve theses moments.

So this coming Friday won’t be spent on the effort of the event, but on the meaning of the day and appreciation for the child. I will probably find him a onesie that says something about turning 1. I will most definitely take pictures of him as he goes about his busy little day as an official 1 yr old, and his brother will absolutely want to bake him a cake so that He can eat it 🙂  …But most importantly, we will Love on him all day as a family. And that’s more priceless than any birthday party!