What You Said on Facebook, and What it Actually Meant in Real Life Pt. II

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I originally intended to get this out sooner, but anticipation builds desire and absence makes the heart grow fonder. So you all should be good and ready! I even poke fun at myself in one of these! Wonder if you can guess which one?? ūüėČ

Before you dive head first into Part II, you must revisit and get reacquainted with the first post, What You Said On Facebook, and What it Actually Meant in Real Life Pt. I . 

So, let’s keep the party going!

Facebook Post: “I just wanted to let y’all know that at 11:59pm I am Unfollowing ALL of my friends, and then getting off of Facebook until tomorrow at 3pm, because I just can’t deal with it all anymore! Too many Negative Nancys and NaySayers on my timeline! No time for Drama! I’m starting my life over at Midnight! #Boom #GoodBye #Block #Unfollow #NoNewFriends #GoinToIyanlasHouse #FixinMyLife #ImBetterThanThat”

Real Life Translation: Facebook is actually all that I have going on in my life and I NEED y’all to make me feel important by posting this ridiculous announcement. I actually want to Stay on Facebook 24/7 for the rest of my entire life, but then I’ll seem too thirsty. Plus, making a PSA about leaving will make people beg me to stay…

My Personal Commentary: If you’re going to Unfollow, Block, Unfriend, Nail to the Cross, and Excommunicate anybody on FB…just do it! We don’t need the extra dramatic disclosure to make yourself seem more paramount than you actually are.

Facebook Post: ¬†“My mother’s baby sister’s daughter-in-law, twice removed, from a previous marriage passed on yesterday. She isn’t on Facebook, but I want her to know that she will be missed. Please send a Hallelujah through Jesus directly to my family in their time of sorrow”

Real Life Translation: I’ve been low on likes this week, and even though I know Damn well that NOBODY on my Facebook page knows or even really cares about this person’s death, my sharing it with total strangers on social media with somehow help them to Rest in Peace, and make me feel better about my stance with humanity on Facebook

My Personal Commentary: Stop This Today people! While I know that often times people need support and words of encouragement to help grieve the loss of a loved one, I Don’t however believe that making a PR broadcast about something so heavily sensitive and somber about someone that none of your FB friends even know is necessary. We have to start discerning what is FB-worthy, and what needs to be left at the alter.

Facebook Post: “OMG! I absolutely LOVE my natural hair! My twa is really coming along! All-Natural everything! Natural hair is all of the things that a perm Never was or will be! If you still wear a perm I will throw rocks at you dipped in coconut oil and shea butter! #Naturalista #NaturalIsLife #FroLife #TeamNoPerm #HappilyNappy #NewJourney #EmbracingMyBeauty”

Real Life Translation: I am twelve minutes and ten seconds from putting on a hoody and some sunglasses, and taking my Naturally Happy ass to the store to buy a relaxer! I’m in the in-between stage where I look like Celie, but wish I looked like the perfect natural broads on YouTube! I will continue writing posts like this, however, to get praises from the other natural gals, and to convince myself and others that I’m ok with my newly embarked upon ¬†natural pilgrimage right now.

My Personal Commentary: Take some Hairfinity vitamins, oil your scalp, drink more water, and shut Up! We get it! You’ve “gone natural” and now feel like you’ve somehow catapulted yourself into a more superior category of life.We also know that you aren’t 100% confident in your new look and that you want¬†your FB friends to give you the stamp of approval that will make you feel more comfortably entwined in your naps. Nope! You have to know that the type of acceptance you’re seeking comes from within sweetheart!

Facebook Post: “Team Single! I don’t Need no man! These ninjas ain’t ish no way! I’m too good to settle! #TeamIndependent #TeamMe #WorkinOnSelf #WaitingOnMyBoaz”

Real Life Translation: I can’t get/keep a man to save my damn life! The closest I can get is becoming a side-chick or mistress, so I’ve just convinced myself that I’m too good for anyone instead of looking within and trying to find out what the Real problem may be. I don’t know how to just be cool and wait it out. Besides, I’d be devastated if Facebook knew that I was actually lonely and frustrated.

My Personal Commentary: Do You Boo, but just be honest about it! At the end of the day you must also always remember that nine times out of ten FB sees right through you! If you don’t have a man, who cares! It’s better to just be yourself or be quiet!

Facebook Post: “The approbation of the propaganda, that lies within the afrocentrism of the gentrification, intertwined throughout the economical mass incarceration of the negroid enlightenment, is that the Black Lives Matter Movement is coonery”

Real Life Translation: I Just discovered books and that there was more to life than what I half-paid attention to in college. So now, I’m regurgitating everything that comes across my eyeballs, in deep need of some serious intellectual guidance. I post these types of things to sound Really smart and culturally conscious. In reality, I’m kind of an idiot.

My Personal Commentary: While I applaud everyone’s journey towards a higher acquisition of knowledge, there are those that we want to punch in the face for being so annoyingly overly cultivated that they begin to just sound foolish. We’re all happy that you finally decided to be smart. Just know what you’re talking about before you start pressing ‘post’ on FB.

When all is said and done, I believe the bulk of these situations lie within the need to feel accepted and validated on some level. Facebook has become the biggest platform for self-reflection, gross narcissism, and lack of esteem… We’re doing things to be liked, thus our continued propensity to #DoItForTheLikes

Photo Cred: Kaboompics 

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What You Said on Facebook, and What it Actually Meant in Real Life Pt. I

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I was talking to a friend over the weekend and as we randomly chit-chatted, she brought up one of her top peeves concerning people and what they post on social media. It seems as though we are in an era that is totally, and sometimes disturbingly, obsessed with how our lives are portrayed in Internet Land. Heck, I have even fallen victim to this at times and had to disengage and reexamine my darn purpose. So I get. I really do…Well kinda. The thing is, I’m usually able to realize when I’m being extra and going overboard. Unfortunately, most aren’t.

So, I came up with a two-part humorous list of all of the wondrously painful things that we all keep seeing on Facebook, and what they probably mean in real life.

*Please note that my ridiculous susceptibility towards over exaggeration & mirthful sarcasm will be oozing from these examples. Don’t get your feelings hurt trying to figure out if I’m talking about you*

Facebook Post: “I gave a homeless person $4,000, built a new Ark for Noah and them, and saved five kittens from death on the way to work.”

Real Life Translation: “I gave a bucket-boy my $3 left over from my egg McMuffin meal this morning; but I need to trump this story up to make it sound exceptionally monumental so I can get a lot of likes, and people will think I’m Such a great person”

Facebook Post: *Insert picture of impoverished chicken breast next to some slimy-looking, over cooked green stuff and a piece of Texas Toast*…”I throw Down in the kitchen too! Bae knows what it do! #Chef #EatinGood #WayToHisStomach”

Real Life Translation: “I keep cooking this same dry ass chicken, and it’s even starting to look/taste gross to me and Bae; but Facebook will make me feel better if I post it up and filter it to make it look like a saut√©ed jerk entree.”

Facebook Post: “I woke up this morning to fresh rose petals laid gently beside my bed, and a wonderful hand-written note on vintage stationary saying ‘I Love You and I’ll see you later! Your breakfast is in the kitchen being prepared by Martha Stewart’…He’s a Winner! Always & Forever! Will & Jada Love!”

Real Life Translation: “I haven’t seen this negro since last Thursday when he brought me an old bagel and some cold coffee before he told me he needed some space; but I’ve exaggerated and lied about our whole situation on FB all this time, so I could never tell the truth Now!”

Facebook Post: *Insert eighth sweaty workout picture posted this week by the same person*…”In the gym. Gym Time. Get it right, Keep it Tight! Summer bodies are made in the Winter. Grinding. FitBit on FIRE! Gettin my Sexy Back!”

Real Life Translation: “I’m really Extremely insecure about my body, my looks, and my whole damn life. I come to the gym because everybody else does it, and it seems like the cool thing to do. I post up these pics so often because I need my FB friends to reassure me that I’m doing a good job and look good. However, I know the gratification that I seek out will never truly be enough…”

Facebook Post: “Think positive. Be positive. Do positive. Read your bible. Hum a Hymn, and go see Jesus every morning like I do! Keep that negativity Outta my timeline!”

Real Life Translation: “I actually Just got off of the phone with my friend, who isn’t really a friend, but we just use each other for gossip. We talked about so many people so bad that they would cry if they had heard our conversation, lol. I have to post up stuff like this though to front, so people won’t ever think that I’m in fact the messy one”

 

Whew!! Now go gather yourself and check your profile for any of these violations! Stay Tuned for Part II!!

 

Photo Cred: Kaboompics